Trust Issues

Hey Everyone! It's Monday morning again.  I am 4 days post Simply For Life.  What have  I learned in that time - It's hard to start trusting myself with food.  Damnit I knew it wasn't going to come easy.  That it wouldn't just be a switch that I flipped and ta-da Alicia can make all the yummy food and eat it in perfect portions then put it away. 

It's going to take time, effort and self awareness.   I need to focus on my eating - not reading an article & eating or watching another addictive episode of something or other on Netflix & eating.  This is so foreign to me to eat without saying I'm on a diet or I can't have that it's not on my plan.   Then the flip side of that coin is not shoveling in the food so fast that I don't taste it.  To not sit with my face inches from my face, claw like grip on the plate, wild eyes inhaling the food that I took the time to prepare with love.  I have eaten like this so that it was done and over quickly - I always felt judged about the food choices I was making.  If I ate outside of the diet plan - was I being judged as a lazy fat slob who obviously doesn't care how fat she gets? If I ate on plan - were the whispers I feared be that I must be faking this healthy eating life because look at her she is still fat?  Those were the worries I had every single meal I ate.  Every single time I took a bite of something in public. 

Unfortunately these aren't fears that will go away overnight. I must learn patience  - even though that is not my strongest virtue.  I will need to remind myself that I am perfect as I am, that I deserve to eat food that makes me feel good.  I need to take this journey one day at a time.  Today's goal is to eat 1 meal mindfully.  I will sit at a table, one bite at a time.  I will pause between bites and sip water.  Slow things down and just enjoy the foods that I have chosen to fill myself with today.

Have a great Monday everyone! 

 

When Quitting Isn't Giving Up

This week has been filled with some big learning and aha moments.  For the last 7 months I have been on a journey to learn how to eat, how to move my body & how to make better choices.    I have done this with the help of the fantastic ladies at my local Simply For Life.  During my time with them I have lost 20lbs making my total weight loss 40lbs.  I have learned so much from my consultant. 

Lately I've been learning more about trusting my body, learning to love her & taking care of it better.   Because of everything that I have learned through both Simply For Life and my own zest for research, books & anything data based, I have decided that it is time to close the book on the weekly weigh ins at Simply For Life.   It's time to pull up those big girl panties and practice what I have learned.

So for the first time in a long time, while I am leaving this journey at Simply For Life I don't feel as though I am giving up or that I have failed.  I feel like this leg of my journey has come to an end for now.  I know that if I need to I can return at anytime and they would welcome me with open arms.

It was a hard decision to come to, I feel like I am breaking up with my consultant.  Deep down though, I know that she will be proud of my decision and support me 100% and that if I ever need her she will be there for me.

My hopes and dreams for this fresh phase that I am embarking on are that I learn to eat in the middle, that food is not  good or bad but use it to fuel and satisfy my body.  That I trust myself to dust off my apron and cook my little heart out - that was something I gave up as I gained weight because I no longer felt I could trust myself.   (If you are looking or a new cookbook I HIGHLY suggest Andie Mitchell's - Cooking in the Middle.   I bought the kindle version but now I am dying for the hardcover hold in my hands version.)  That I move my body in ways that she appreciates and enjoys.  Most of all that I am happy, that I can enjoy life and not focus on the number on the scale so much.  Cheers to new beginnings.

Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell

Have you ever.....

Have you ever had one of those conversations where it started about something completely different and then all your stress turns to tears and you break down about a completely different subject?  Oh, it's just me?  That is how most mom's feel.  You feel alone in the struggle - that there is no way anyone else could be going through the same thing.  Why does no one ever tell you how much you will beat yourself about EVERYTHING when you become a mom.  When you leave the hospital these should pass you a guide that tells you how many lashings you should give yourself over what YOU think are your infractions.

When I went to the weigh in today, even before I stepped on the scale I was berating myself again for what I was sure would be another zero loss week or even a gain.   My consultant asked me how my week was going, on the tip of my tongue was  my standard answer - "fine".  Cause let's face it - I tend to keep my insecurities and failures hidden so that I don't feel like I am being judged.  Then I started talking about taking my puppy to training classes and explaining how that was my workout for the day - trust me, with Charlotte it is a full body workout lol.   I felt the tears well up in my eyes unexpectedly and my words started coming faster than I could think.  I told her I felt like a failure on all levels, as a wife, mom, housekeeper & a friend. I was able to give example after example of why I was failing.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Deep down I know that my house is not going to be clean all the time - I live with a husband, two children and a dog & cat who both think they are humans.  I am not Martha Stewart - sometimes a beautiful meal will be served and sometimes it will be a serve yourself kinda deal.   What I do know is that when my little boy gets off the bus he runs straight into my arms - I take an inhale and smell all that is good, happy and know that I am loved by him.  I know that my daughter - god help me through the teen years - is still my little girl.   My husband - lets talk about my husband for a moment.  He is my best friend, love of my life and I couldn't imagine a world that I am in without him there by my side.  No it isn't all roses all of the time - but we make it work.  

Today I am calling a truce with myself.  I will be kind and treat myself with love.  I will take the time to do what I need to be healthy, happy and whole.  I am responsible for me.   I invite you to do the same.  Tell me what is the one thing you do for yourself that makes you a better mother, wife, friend - hell just a better woman. 

How I Kept From Eating Away My Loneliness

I HATE spending the night alone.  Deep down despise it.  I'm ok if the hubby is working nights but when he is away for a guys nights I enter panic mode.  Usually those nights end up with me binge eating on everything in sight and ending up with a very sick, bloated belly.   Tonight I am trying to break that habit.    Instead of turning to piles of food, I am spending my evening being a boring obsessive compulsive planner instead.  (Insert eye roll)  

It may not be the most exciting thing that I have done, but it is keeping me from devouring the entire contents of my refrigerator.

 

I have found some great templates on pinterest to plan with.  Everything from workout planning to meal planning to household planning.  It is fantastic.  I think I might have given my poor printer a heart attack with all the sheets I've printed off this evening. 

So far I have worked out my exercise goals for the week:

Sunday - TRX
Monday - workout at home
Tuesday - Yoga
Wednesday - That Step class is going to finally be my bitch!
Thursday - Yoga
Friday - Core Strength Class
Saturday - Either a workout at home or one of the morning classes at the gym.

Well that is a very full and very scary set of exercise goals for next.   If I make it to all of those classes I am going to reward myself with a new book and a hot bubble bath and some me time :)

I have super pick people in my house.  If one likes it, the next doesn't - now me I love just about anything! 

I find making meals that everyone likes in my housevery hard.    We tend to make the same meals over and over.  I tend to get board of that. I LOVE making new recipes.  Whether they turn out or taste horrible I love trying new things :) 

Here is what I have for this weeks meal plan

Tuesday - we are escaping to the camp :) so, fiddleheads, roasted potatoes & steak sound yummy
Wednesday - going out for dinner for New Years Eve
Thursday - Rosemary glazed pork & roasted vegetables with basmati rice
Friday - Roast chicken,  sweet potatoes & squash
Saturday - Pizza
Sunday - Homemade Chicken noodle soup & beer bread

Next week the hubby is on nights so it is just the kids and I kicking around for supper.  This is when I tend to get lazy and not eat anything myself (which leads to a binge at some point) and just make super quick stuff for the kids.  I plan on making ahead a few meals on Sunday so I don't have to do much during the week :) Just re-heat & go!

What's Stopping Me?

The part that I struggle with constantly is getting (and keeping) it all together.    I get the fitness on track - eating falls off track.   Eating on track - fitness falls off.   I get so focused on one that I just let the other slide.  

I KNOW what I should be eating

I KNOW what I should be doing for exercise

I KNOW....So why can't I get it together?

Here are the problems that I struggle with for my eating:

1.  There are so many different eating plans out there.  Hi carb, low carb, no carb, IIFYM, atkins, paleo, clean eating.    It's so confusing on what to chose.  And let's face it - I like food.period.  Which leads me to......

2. I'm a meal skipper/binge eater....There are days that the only thing that I think about is food.  About the next meal, snack or bite. There are days that I wish that I had a private chef that would make perfectly proportioned, perfectly yummy foods.  I used to love to bake but I don't any longer.  Why, you ask?  Well, I live in fear that I wont be able to control myself and I that I will consume all the food (dishes and all)

3. Then there is my biggest struggle - feeding my family.  A picky bunch they are.  While my husband supports me 110% that does not mean that he is ready to eat rabbit food as he calls it. 

Right now I am just trying my best to not skip meals. I try to stay away from processed food.  To stay away from pop. I don't believe in good food vs bad food.  If there is something that I want to indulge in then I make sure the juice is worth squeeze.  

But really above all - I am just focusing on being happy.

An Inspiration? Who Me?

Last night I received a facebook message from a friend and in it she said that seeing my posts on fitness had inspired her to start getting active again.  I immediately thought - "Who? Me?"  How could I give someone else inspiration when there are days still that I am not even my own inspiration.


A year ago I never thought that I could be anyone's inspiration.  You see at the beginning of this year I started on this journey of mine that was no longer about losing the weight.  It wasn't about being the skinniest bitch on the block.  What it was about was stopping the hateful things that I was saying to myself - believe me even the biggest bully had NOTHING on what I could say to tear myself down.   By no way am I near the end of this journey but I have come a long way.  I don't hate myself anymore.  Now I see a strong, beautiful woman who has fantastic form at TRX ;) I am proud of what I accomplish, the fact that I don't give up as easily.  That I am getting out there an trying new things - old me would have been too paralyzed by anxiety of "not doing it right" to even walk into a gym class full of strangers, let alone going there and rocking it. 

All of these changes make me feel fantastic inside and out.  I know that the inches are coming off (slowly), I don't keep a close track on them cause I am no longer a slave to the scale (meaning I no longer weigh myself at least 10 times a DAY - that's right, day - not month, not week - a DAY) I don't beat myself up on days that I mess up by not working out or eating properly.  If something sinfully delicious is wanted - I indulge, enjoy every moment and move on.   I have more joy, relaxation, patience and happiness in my life.  I have less tears, anxiety and days that I want to bury my head in the blankets and not want to get out of bed.

I now go to class with no fear and worry.  I am not constantly thinking - can my body even do these classes? Instead I go and I simply do.my.best.  If I need to modify the move, OK - If I need to modify the modifier - OK.  Really that is all we can do.   Just try.  Don't give up and everyday we get stronger, better and more fulfilled.    

Some may not like that my facebook is filled with "brags" about my workouts, or what I am eating or how great I feel now. But if I can just let one person know that it's ok and that they can do it too and not to give up then I'm #sorrynotsorry

I used to worry constantly about how others perceived me, worried that they would look down on me because of the stuff that I share on here then I remember that someone else might be struggling with the same thing and it might help them.  To hear that I am giving someone else a little bit of inspiration I was so honored and humbled.  I thank that person for reaching out to me.  Remember guys - you're all the reason that somebody else is inspired.  

Why I Didn't Fail Today

Geez my posts sure are sporadic and I apologize to what I am sure are the 3 people who read my blog.  But really this isn't about how many views I have or how many followers...I just like a spot where I can share what is going on in my head and clear it out to make space for my life.

Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......

I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more.   Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive.  It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am.  One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before.  One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep.  I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment.  Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do. 


And I did.   Until today.  Till I couldn't.

Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me.  I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away. 

My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag.  On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car.  The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud.    Cause I think there was a little of all three in there.  Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people.  Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded.  But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0.  The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class.  The fact that I am not giving up.  I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class.    I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do. 

To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried.  I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have.  For a long time I lived with a fear of failure.  EVERYTHING had to be perfect.  It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while.   My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.

And you know what?  Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and I get to do it all over again :)

Passion for Fashion

When I was a little girl I spent ENDLESS hours playing with paper dolls.  I loved them more than I loved barbies.   I still remember the day that I just HAD to have this kit that would let me create my own dolls and designs of clothing. My dad braved a winter storm to go get it - and a DQ Blizzard.   I was in heaven! I swore one day that I would be a fashion designer.  Fast forward 20ish years - I am no fashion designer but I do love dabbling at being a stylist.  Last year I found www.polyvore.com - it is one of my absolute favorite sites for creating fashion looks.  I thought I would share some of my favorite summer looks with you - give you a peek at my virtual closet (Oh how I wish it was my real closet)

I LOVE the bright blue and sailor feel in this outfit with a pop of bright yellow and red.  

A nice cool look for work.  I love high low hem of the top. 

A total date night look! I have been such a girly girl these last few years that I am now battling a dress obsession.  

I for one CAN'T stand being hot while working out but I love the sweat glow afterwards. I know, I am a little crazy ;) So all year round I tend to be found pumping - zee - iron in light tees, tanks & shorts - capris in the winter. 

What's your favorite summer look?

Pretty Pretty Bling Bling

I LOVE jewelry and am completely enjoying making it (though I wish I had more time to sit and experiment)

The best thing about metal stamped jewelry - it's never perfect.  That's what makes it so unique!

Here are a few of the pieces that I have made lately!

If you are lookin' to purchase a little somethin' something - head on over to my Etsy shop :) Vintage Glamour Canada  or email me at mcknight.alicia@gmail.com if you want something custom made!

Going Gluten Free

I did it, I jumped on the gluten free bandwagon.  I didn't do it to be cool, I didn't do it as a weight loss quick fix (because it is neither easy nor quick). I did it because I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired every.damn.day.

Over the past 10ish years, I have developed some not so fun issues.  Diarrhea, sulphur gas, vomiting, constipation, bloating & cramping - just to name a few.....Extra hair grown where there shouldn't be, thinning of my hair, weight gain, brain fog, joint pain, anxiety, bone weary exhaustion, depression, mood swings & no more menstrual cycle.

Doctors have made me feel like I am crazy when I go in with these issues and they find "nothing" on their blood work.  Funny, I know that something is wrong.  For a long time I refused to go to the doctor at all about any problem because all I seem to hear from them is 'lose weight, you'll feel better'.  Well I am sure I will, but when you have a hard time losing and pain that keeps you from working out, well that's the last thing that you want to hear.


I am finding that I no longer feel bloated, no more gas, haven't had diarrhea.  But the craziest thing I have felt change since I started eating this way - I no longer have the urge to binge eat or overeat.  My binge eating has always driven me a little crazy because I could never put a "feeling" as to why I was doing it.  It just wasn't emotional to me. If anything I felt detached.  I would get a jaw clenching, need to have this item feeling that I would eat and eat until I felt so full I felt sick.  I wasn't doing it because I felt sad, angry or lonely.  I could never pinpoint it why.  I now stop when I feel myself getting full.  Now, it just seems to have disappeared.  I never would have ever linked those two things together, and who knows I might be crazy and it might all be in my head.   

It is for sure a hard thing to do but man, the benefits are unreal for me! Weekly meal planning and grocery shopping take a little longer and labels now get read.  I stay away from pre-packaged items and make more stuff from scratch.  I find myself choosing more whole foods, fruits & vegetables.  Eating out is definitely where I feel most uncomfortable about gluten free. There are not many options in the small town that I live in especially when two of the restaurants that carried gluten free menu items were affected by the flood.    We went to a restaurant on Friday night, I was craving poutine - well gravy has flour in it.  So I ordered Poutine - hold the gravy lol. It's all a learning curve and one day it will be easier.

It's Just Clothing - Cleaning out My Closet

I hear my husband and my best friend saying this to me over and over.....It's just a piece of clothing Alicia

Why do I hold on to this stuff. Is it really just clothing? Yes, it's just fabric, buttons and stitches.  But to me it has been so much more.  Fabric woven of memories of better times, buttons that want me to stay in the past & every stitch seems to be laced with the could've should've & would've.

It has take me a long time to realize that  I don't need to cling to the past. It isn't where I want to live anymore.  I want to live my life wide awake, eye wide open and enjoying every-freaking-moment! 


I'm trying to live my life with new rules when it comes to my clothing - If It's Not a Hell Yes ~ It's A Hell No.  I want my clothes to reflect how I see myself and how I want the world to see me.  And that means no more ill fitting, ripped, torn & stained clothing.

Out with the old and in with the new.  I have been re-building my wardrobe from the errrr foundations up.  Sexy lingerie - was my first big purchase - bottom line -  I wanted to feel sexy again for me....not for anyone else. This journey is about ME.

You might think it would be easy to just chuck out this old stuff, but I've had to work through a ton of limiting beliefs about getting rid of these clothes.  I thought I would share some of them with you cause if you are going through the same thing, I don't want you to feel alone. There were two types of clothing that I needed to clean out of my closet in order to move on with my life - Skinny Clothes & Clothes That Made Me Feel Like Shit when I wore them.   Here are my limiting beliefs and what I told myself to overcome them. 

Skinny Clothes:

• What if I get skinny again? Do you really want to be wearing fashions from 10 years ago?  Your personal style has evolved since then.  Plus who doesn't love to shop! 
• If I get rid of them, isn't that like giving up the dream of being skinny & healthy?  Just cause I throw away clothes doesn't mean that I need to stop moving or fueling my body in a way that I deserve - it's JUST clothing.  They hold no power

Clothes That Made Me Feel Like Shit:

• I don't fit right in clothes - sure some styles don't suit me but that is the same with EVERYONE
• It doesn't matter what I look like - Just because I have been married FOREVER and because I have been a stay at home mom for a long time doesn't mean that I shouldn't take the time to look good and make myself feel good.
• It fits so I better keep it - NEVER again will I wear something that doesn't stop and make me say "Damn, I loooook Goood"
• I will have no clothes left - This is one that I have really struggled with in a lot of areas in my life.  Money, food (binging) and even hanging in my closet.  BUT, Really???? Really????? Please see photos below.  1st photo shows about....oh lets say.....150ish items of clothing + the stuff that I had already sold this winter.  2nd photo well, as you can see my closet is still full....

That my lovelies, is the pile of clothing that came out of my closet.  

(no wonder I worried that I would be left with nothing)

what you can't see in this photo are two piles in the back row that are hidden by the pile of cardigans in the from (yes, I will be attending Cardigans Anonymous in the near future)

But as you can see there are still a ton of options in my closet 

  
 This was definitely not an easy task.  I have been working on it for the last month to work past all these fears.  Thank god I have a wonderful support system that talk me down off the ledge...Even if they can barely understand me through the tears and hysterics when I place my favorite pair of skinny capris in the discard pile.

When I finished and took these photos ~ I felt so amazingly free.  Unbelievable.  Then I thought to myself - why didn't I do this sooner..... 

What's holding you back?

Information Overload

The health and fitness world is such a confusing place.  No wonder it's hard to lose weight.  There are tons of conflicting statements that you hear... Sometimes it makes me want to hide under the blankets and just stay there.


How much you should workout, for how long and how hard...
The food you should eat, low fat, low cal, paleo, gluten free, clean eating and this list could go on....
Which vitamins & supplements to take...
Which workouts are most effective...
A gym membership versus the home gym...
To count calories and to track food...
Do you jump on the scale to weigh yourself or do you let your clothes decide...

The research is even more confusing cause when you read about one you seem convinced that this is what you need and then you open the next article and you see tons of great information backing it up as well.

Everyone is different and what works for me isn't going to work for everyone.

I feel like I have tried all the options and now as I sit here typing this I am assessing what is working for me.


In my life right now I feel like I am spinning in a rut when it comes to working out.  And by that I mean - I have no ambition to workout.  Which I don't get cause I LOVE a good sweat.  I love how badass I feel afterwards.  I don't use my workouts as punishment. I always have loved them. But lately, I just can't seem to make myself want to take the time.  Which is completely silly cause it's only an hour out of my day max.  What I am going to commit to is walking  10 - 15 minutes a day.  Just to get back in the groove.  And maybe someday that walking will turn to running again.  I also love yoga so I am sure that will enter in to my plan some days as well.  

For food choices - I like to keep it simple.   As fresh and natural as possible, and if it is packaged - I like to be able to read the ingredients.  

Vitamins and supplements - well I just feel lost on this one - I don't want to be taking a billion pills a day.  So I think I have settled on the following list

• CoEnzyme Q10 
• A Calcium, Magnesium & Vitamin D
• A Multi Vitamin for Women
• A Vitamin B complex 
• Chia Seeds

I also think that for me - I need to track the foods that I am eating to make sure I am eating enough so that I don't go into binge mode cause I have gotten to hungry.  I don't plan on using that tracking to be restrictive in my eating.  Cause that causes binge eating as well..... Heck, it seems like just breathing causes binge eating.

Annnnd, This brings us to that evil thing called a scale.  There have been points in my life that I have jumped on that thing MULTIPLE times a day.  I have finally gotten myself to a point in which I can go to a few days in between weighing in.  I would like it to be a once a week kinda thing......I like to see the number going down.

The most important thing is to do this journey with love for yourself, your body & your mind.  

I would love to hear what works and what doesn't work for you!

Adventures in Mommyhood

Everyone remember that 80's movie Adventures in babysitting? I love that movie.  When you think life is going to be dull - it turns out to be anything but.  Well I guess that happens when you have a husband & kids.....And two dogs & a cat.  At least I convinced my husband that the baby raccoon did not make a suitable pet.  It feels like everyday I have some crazy story about one of the kids or the pets.....Usually one child in particular and one dog in particular.  Perhaps I should have called this blog the days of Jacob & Judd.  Thankfully both are very cute and cuddly and make up for the fact that they ate my makeup or hid priceless jewelry in my furniture or ate my favorite pair of shoes or decide to get up for the day at 4:30am.   (Hope you can figure out which ones were by child and which ones were by canine) But I digress what I want to talk about is going back to work.  

Transitioning from being a stay at home mom to back to working part time has been an adventure in balance.  Do I come home and clean and not play with my kids or do I play with my kids and ignore the housework?  I am thankful that I only work part time and use my days off for catching up.   My house is messier more than it is not.  Little ones are only so small for such a short time.  I would much rather and snuggle and read a book to them than to do whatever chore that is lacking.  I will admit that even when I was a stay at home mom I tended to let cleaning go by the side so that I could spend more time with the kids

A clean "perfect" house used to cause me so much anxiety and panic attacks if someone were to come over.  I would go into a frenzy of cleaning when they told me they were coming and well, let me tell you, if they showed up unannounced my chest would stay tight for the entire visit.  I can hear myself saying these words over and over - "so sorry for the mess".   I was embarrassed that I wasn't perfect.  I thought that it had to be a certain way. 

It wasn't until recently that I have been able to relax over this to tell the perfectionist in me that it is OK to not be supermom, to not have it all done.  That it's normal to ask for help.  I use a daily goal list to help me check off what  I want to get done.  Let me tell you there is something very empowering to see that check mark.  If for some reason I don't finish checking off that list - well that's OK too!

If you come to visit at any given time - be prepared to look past the laundry pile that isn't folded and the dishes that aren't done.   I can promise you a love and friendship filled visit but I won't promise you a spotless house.

  Yeah - These Guys - They make my world go round!

I'm Back!

For my whole life I have felt like I didn't know what to do. Not with my life, with my children & even in love I felt unsure. Who knew that a silly internet quiz would awaken in me the urge, no the absolute need to put words to paper (or fingers to keys) I grew up mediocre, never excelling at anything. Starting new ideas and never following through. I had big dreams but no idea how to make any of them come true. Hell, I didn't even know which of them were truly mine and which were what every one else wanted me to be. That's the problem with a people pleaser. You go about your life making everyone else happy and then you wind up 32, very overweight, lonely and depressed. You realize that you no longer know how to make you happy.

For me I can pinpoint the exact moment in my life that this indecisiveness landed in my lap. I walked in to my senior year confident, beautiful and loved by my friends and boyfriend. In my short 18 years of life I had wanted to be a dancer, singer, an actress, model, fashion designer, lawyer, a physcologist, a teacher & a chef. Senior year should be an exciting time in life, I mean shouldn't you have it all figured out by then? I can honestly say that I didn't. I felt pulled in so many directions. Then somehow it just all started falling apart. I grew distant from my friends, I started gaining a little weight and this overwhelming fear of failure set in. Each career choice that I would consider I would create such a list of cons that I would end up discarding it. Everyone was giving me their opinion on what I should do with my life. When it came time for me to start my work term class, I thought that I wanted to be a chef. Then panic set in as I was having my interview with a local restaurant to job-shadow. I left the interview in tears and I went home to my mom and hysterically sobbed – I don't want to be a chef. I couldn't explain why. Just that I didn't want to do it anymore. So what was I going to do, I had to do something for the work term. I ended up taking an easy way out - an internship in the music department of the elementary school. From there I thought maybe a teacher is my calling. I convinced myself four plus years of schooling is not my cup of tea. Then comes the time that college applications have to be. I still had no clue what I wanted to do. I felt crazy pressure to make the absolute right choice, no mistakes allowed. Everyone has always said how I am so much like my mother. If that is the case shouldn't I follow in her footsteps and be a human service counsellor? So that's what I did. Though I enjoyed this career in theory. I quickly learned that I was not cut out for it. I have wasted so much of my life regretting the decision to attend college for human services. The money that I wasted. The fact that I now have no education in any other field. I've allowed it to taint all future decisions. Never really trusting myself to make the right decision on anything. Always seeing regret in anything that I do. Fear of failure keeping me from trying new things. I've allowed myself to live a sheltered life in a bubble and never really reaching out there to grasp what I want. Please don't get me wrong. I am very blessed in my life, I adore my children and I love my husband beyond a doubt.

There is so much pressure to have it all figured out. To know exactly where you are going. I applaud those who do. I think that is amazing. I just don't operate that way and it took me a long time to figure that out, and an even longer time accepting and loving that about myself. It is part of what makes me, well, Me.

I now look back at that decision to attend college for human services as just one choice in a life filled with many. While not perfect, I am who I am meant to be at this moment. I'm learning to live in the moment. Throwing away those could have, should have, would haves. Not worrying about the what if's, not waiting for my life to be perfect. Living in the moment and enjoying every minute. 

 

I can't promise what the topics will be in this blog, but I can promise that they will be authentically me. Sometimes your going to tune in to fitness, fashion, life & sex.  So if you are still hanging around grab a cup of tea, and welcome to my life. 

 

It's Been A While

I've always been a people pleas-er, do whatever I can for you kind of person.   It has caused me incredible pleasure AND pain over the years.  Pleasure when you feel the warmth and love come back from the persons who's life you have touched.  Pain when it's done cause people feel they can walk all over you and you get nothing from them in return.  Over the years I have learned to push some of that away.  Those people and moments aren't gone completely but now I hold them at a distance where they have a harder time breaking through my walls I have built to keep the pain out.  Truth be told I've even kept some of the good in my life at bay in fear that it would hurt me too. 

What does this have to do with my weight loss journey?  Well, you see I have a wonderful husband (who also drives me completely nuts - hey no-one is perfect) and two great kids.  I have been struggling with my weight for years cause I always put everyone and everything else first. 

Today, my husband had a doctors appointment for some blood work results.   His tests came back fine but he was told to lose 20 lbs. 

I jumped with joy when I heard this and my first thoughts were well maybe now you can lose weight yourself since he has to as well.  It was my chance to be a do-gooder, to lend that helping hand and to do something for someone else.  For SOMEONE else.  not for me....Why do I depend so much on everyone else being happy.  How do I learn to put myself first?  I need to make this MY journey - he can have his own.  But I want to be the star of my journey.  I no longer am comparing myself to anyone else's highlight reel.  I am only in competition with myself.  All that matters is that I love me no matter what and that I keep getting back up when I fall down.  

How I am going to do this - I have no clue.  But I am guessing that it will be one step (a baby one) at a time.   My first goal is to lost 5% of my weight. (That around 13 - 14 lbs) and my first step to doing it - cut out the pop.  This is always my hardest on to do, pop seems to creep right back up there and sneak back into my fridge.   

Tomorrow marks a fresh start for me - I am getting a makeover - stay tuned for the before and after.  Doing this is completely out of my comfort zone - I tend to be a little on the stingy side with doing things for myself. 

Work What Your Mamma Gave You

I have been blessed, by both genes and gaining weight to have ginormous boobs.  There I said it.  I have been wanting to have a breast reduction done for YEARS.  at a HH cup they are killing my back & my pocket book (1 bra = $80) I actually got up the nerve to go to my doctor for a referral. He said sure but he is going to tell you to loose weight, like 100 lbs.  I was ok with him telling me that.  I am in the midst of loosing weight and that's about where I want to end up.   What threw me for a loop was when the plastic surgeon wouldn't even see me or keep me on file until I loose another 118 lbs (I've lose 10.4 since June ~ Go Me!)  At first I had a pity party - bawled my eyes out - had those moments of self doubt that I would never be able to loose that weight. But then I remember Hells Yes I can do this, I can do anything I want.  Just gotta put my mind and body to work.  I am the only thing that can stand in my way on this.  No one can tell me I won't be able to do it, they can't tell me that it's going to be really hard (no shit, nothing worth while comes easy)

I have changed so much over the last few months.  I used to let my weight hold me back and not be able to enjoy life.  There are things I have never done - so I am making a bucket list of things that I have never done and things that I used to do that I gave up as the weight came on.   I am hoping to cross off one item a month.   These things used to cause me panic attacks at just the thought of doing them.  Fear of being ridiculed or of not knowing how to do it.  But no more. I am perfect just the way that I am.  I love that my body is able to do things that I never thought that I would be capable of doing.  I just love my body period.  Sure it's got a lot of curves, but it's also has some amazing muscles and a hot ass ;)

So here is my bucket list in no :
Tubing
Play catch
Golf
Play pool
1/2 Marathon
TreeGO (its ziplines, climbing and walking along the top of the tree line)
Learn to drive a 4wheeler

I am sure as the year goes on I will be adding to my list (And crossing them off)  And as for those 118LBS,  I will get there one day in the near future.  Just taking it one pound at a time!

Monday Goal Link Up

Hey everyone! Hope all my American readers had a great 4th of July! 

I thought last weeks goals would be easy to accomplish - but nope, I set three and I only accomplished one...Any guesses on which one?

Goal 1 - 1 new Fruit & 1 new Veggie
Goal 2 - Use the bowflex on non-running day
Goal 3 - Call the doc about a breast reduction!

Goals one and two seemed like a cakewalk - but noooooo I only accomplished #3.    However I exercised a ton, used the bowflex twice, dusted off that crazy bitch Jillian Micheal's Body Revolution (They make me want to puke) and ran lots!  

Splurged on some new running shoes cause mine were well used and I don't think they had another mile in them.

My new babies ;)

They feel AMAZING like I am running on pillows.

So here is to a new week.  I have a goal that is going to be tough for me this week.  You see I feel like I am going to lapse into my old ways of binge eating.  I've seen a few pounds change on the scale and I'm all like I need to eat every morsel of food that I can think of.   I am trying my best not to give in.

Binge eating is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to tackle.  Quitting smoking was a walk in the park compared to this.

My goals this week are

1.  Don't Binge (Easier said than done - but check out my step by step plan to tackle it)
2. Keep exercising 6X a week.  3 Runs and 3 Other

To not binge

1. MFP is my new bff, we are gonna be tight all week.  Logging every bite.  When I get up in the morning I am going to put in all my food for the day including snacks.
2. Drown my cravings in water
3. If the water trick doesn't work, have a piece of fruit or some veggies. 
4. Blog about it.  See that is what I am doing right now - instead of diving headfirst into a bowl of pasta covered in taco'y goodness I am setting my goals.
5. Get away from the tv, read a book, crochet whatever, just do something different!


I want to see a loss on the scale on Wednesday!

Monday Goal Link Up

It is that time of week to revisit last weeks goals!

Goal one - 1000 Calorie deficit - Nailed it!
Goal two - try a workout from skinny meg - there was no new link up this week - but I got workouts in every day :)


It was a crazy busy week of cleaning cause we had a big BBQ here on Saturday.  I scrubbed and cleaned to my little Cinderella hearts content.   It was great, we ate too much, drank too much and laughed too much.  Two days later I don't ever want to see bbq'd meat again.  I am still loving my BodyMedia link! It keeps me sooooo accountable!  The lbs are coming off! I have lost 6lbs in two weeks.  I don't know the last time the scale moved this well ~ I really struggle with staying on track and I feel like now I got it under control!   When you get in a good groove and feel like you are doing the right stuff - how do you set new goals?  Or should I just try maintaining what I am doing?  Would love to hear everyone's opinion on it!

Goal One - Try 1 new veggie and 1 new fruit
Goal Two - Use the bowflex on my non-running day (yes I am back to running - makes my back hurt less than walking does)
Goal Three - Make an appointment to see my doctor about getting a breast reduction!

~Monday Goal Link Up~

I have had a FANTASTIC week! I received my BodyMedia device last Monday and WOW! Can you say life changing! It keeps me so on track.  Worth EVERY  penny! I have hit my targets on it EVERY single day!  AND to top it off the scale has finally moved - I am down 3lbs this week!!!! I don't know the last time that I did that.

Sooo drumroll please..........

Goal One - Be more accountable and log in MFP - Freaking Nailed it!! every single day and every single bite.  Have stayed within my calorie goal EVERY day!

Goal Two - Do something out of my comfort zone - I went for a walk on the nature trail by myself this past week.


 I am so proud of myself!

But my proudest moment of the week came when my daughter (9) decided she wanted to go running with me outside today - So glad my choices are rubbing off on my kids :) Means I must be doing a little something right.

Now for this weeks goals:

Goal One - Have a 1000 calorie deficit daily.  (burn 1000 more than I consume)

Goal Two - Try a new workout from Skinny Megs Wednesday Link UP

~ If you fall down - get up and brush yourself off cause every breath is a second chance ~