Trust Issues

Hey Everyone! It's Monday morning again.  I am 4 days post Simply For Life.  What have  I learned in that time - It's hard to start trusting myself with food.  Damnit I knew it wasn't going to come easy.  That it wouldn't just be a switch that I flipped and ta-da Alicia can make all the yummy food and eat it in perfect portions then put it away. 

It's going to take time, effort and self awareness.   I need to focus on my eating - not reading an article & eating or watching another addictive episode of something or other on Netflix & eating.  This is so foreign to me to eat without saying I'm on a diet or I can't have that it's not on my plan.   Then the flip side of that coin is not shoveling in the food so fast that I don't taste it.  To not sit with my face inches from my face, claw like grip on the plate, wild eyes inhaling the food that I took the time to prepare with love.  I have eaten like this so that it was done and over quickly - I always felt judged about the food choices I was making.  If I ate outside of the diet plan - was I being judged as a lazy fat slob who obviously doesn't care how fat she gets? If I ate on plan - were the whispers I feared be that I must be faking this healthy eating life because look at her she is still fat?  Those were the worries I had every single meal I ate.  Every single time I took a bite of something in public. 

Unfortunately these aren't fears that will go away overnight. I must learn patience  - even though that is not my strongest virtue.  I will need to remind myself that I am perfect as I am, that I deserve to eat food that makes me feel good.  I need to take this journey one day at a time.  Today's goal is to eat 1 meal mindfully.  I will sit at a table, one bite at a time.  I will pause between bites and sip water.  Slow things down and just enjoy the foods that I have chosen to fill myself with today.

Have a great Monday everyone! 

 

Have you ever.....

Have you ever had one of those conversations where it started about something completely different and then all your stress turns to tears and you break down about a completely different subject?  Oh, it's just me?  That is how most mom's feel.  You feel alone in the struggle - that there is no way anyone else could be going through the same thing.  Why does no one ever tell you how much you will beat yourself about EVERYTHING when you become a mom.  When you leave the hospital these should pass you a guide that tells you how many lashings you should give yourself over what YOU think are your infractions.

When I went to the weigh in today, even before I stepped on the scale I was berating myself again for what I was sure would be another zero loss week or even a gain.   My consultant asked me how my week was going, on the tip of my tongue was  my standard answer - "fine".  Cause let's face it - I tend to keep my insecurities and failures hidden so that I don't feel like I am being judged.  Then I started talking about taking my puppy to training classes and explaining how that was my workout for the day - trust me, with Charlotte it is a full body workout lol.   I felt the tears well up in my eyes unexpectedly and my words started coming faster than I could think.  I told her I felt like a failure on all levels, as a wife, mom, housekeeper & a friend. I was able to give example after example of why I was failing.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Deep down I know that my house is not going to be clean all the time - I live with a husband, two children and a dog & cat who both think they are humans.  I am not Martha Stewart - sometimes a beautiful meal will be served and sometimes it will be a serve yourself kinda deal.   What I do know is that when my little boy gets off the bus he runs straight into my arms - I take an inhale and smell all that is good, happy and know that I am loved by him.  I know that my daughter - god help me through the teen years - is still my little girl.   My husband - lets talk about my husband for a moment.  He is my best friend, love of my life and I couldn't imagine a world that I am in without him there by my side.  No it isn't all roses all of the time - but we make it work.  

Today I am calling a truce with myself.  I will be kind and treat myself with love.  I will take the time to do what I need to be healthy, happy and whole.  I am responsible for me.   I invite you to do the same.  Tell me what is the one thing you do for yourself that makes you a better mother, wife, friend - hell just a better woman. 

An Inspiration? Who Me?

Last night I received a facebook message from a friend and in it she said that seeing my posts on fitness had inspired her to start getting active again.  I immediately thought - "Who? Me?"  How could I give someone else inspiration when there are days still that I am not even my own inspiration.


A year ago I never thought that I could be anyone's inspiration.  You see at the beginning of this year I started on this journey of mine that was no longer about losing the weight.  It wasn't about being the skinniest bitch on the block.  What it was about was stopping the hateful things that I was saying to myself - believe me even the biggest bully had NOTHING on what I could say to tear myself down.   By no way am I near the end of this journey but I have come a long way.  I don't hate myself anymore.  Now I see a strong, beautiful woman who has fantastic form at TRX ;) I am proud of what I accomplish, the fact that I don't give up as easily.  That I am getting out there an trying new things - old me would have been too paralyzed by anxiety of "not doing it right" to even walk into a gym class full of strangers, let alone going there and rocking it. 

All of these changes make me feel fantastic inside and out.  I know that the inches are coming off (slowly), I don't keep a close track on them cause I am no longer a slave to the scale (meaning I no longer weigh myself at least 10 times a DAY - that's right, day - not month, not week - a DAY) I don't beat myself up on days that I mess up by not working out or eating properly.  If something sinfully delicious is wanted - I indulge, enjoy every moment and move on.   I have more joy, relaxation, patience and happiness in my life.  I have less tears, anxiety and days that I want to bury my head in the blankets and not want to get out of bed.

I now go to class with no fear and worry.  I am not constantly thinking - can my body even do these classes? Instead I go and I simply do.my.best.  If I need to modify the move, OK - If I need to modify the modifier - OK.  Really that is all we can do.   Just try.  Don't give up and everyday we get stronger, better and more fulfilled.    

Some may not like that my facebook is filled with "brags" about my workouts, or what I am eating or how great I feel now. But if I can just let one person know that it's ok and that they can do it too and not to give up then I'm #sorrynotsorry

I used to worry constantly about how others perceived me, worried that they would look down on me because of the stuff that I share on here then I remember that someone else might be struggling with the same thing and it might help them.  To hear that I am giving someone else a little bit of inspiration I was so honored and humbled.  I thank that person for reaching out to me.  Remember guys - you're all the reason that somebody else is inspired.  

Why I Didn't Fail Today

Geez my posts sure are sporadic and I apologize to what I am sure are the 3 people who read my blog.  But really this isn't about how many views I have or how many followers...I just like a spot where I can share what is going on in my head and clear it out to make space for my life.

Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......

I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more.   Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive.  It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am.  One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before.  One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep.  I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment.  Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do. 


And I did.   Until today.  Till I couldn't.

Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me.  I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away. 

My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag.  On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car.  The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud.    Cause I think there was a little of all three in there.  Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people.  Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded.  But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0.  The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class.  The fact that I am not giving up.  I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class.    I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do. 

To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried.  I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have.  For a long time I lived with a fear of failure.  EVERYTHING had to be perfect.  It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while.   My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.

And you know what?  Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and I get to do it all over again :)

Adventures in Mommyhood

Everyone remember that 80's movie Adventures in babysitting? I love that movie.  When you think life is going to be dull - it turns out to be anything but.  Well I guess that happens when you have a husband & kids.....And two dogs & a cat.  At least I convinced my husband that the baby raccoon did not make a suitable pet.  It feels like everyday I have some crazy story about one of the kids or the pets.....Usually one child in particular and one dog in particular.  Perhaps I should have called this blog the days of Jacob & Judd.  Thankfully both are very cute and cuddly and make up for the fact that they ate my makeup or hid priceless jewelry in my furniture or ate my favorite pair of shoes or decide to get up for the day at 4:30am.   (Hope you can figure out which ones were by child and which ones were by canine) But I digress what I want to talk about is going back to work.  

Transitioning from being a stay at home mom to back to working part time has been an adventure in balance.  Do I come home and clean and not play with my kids or do I play with my kids and ignore the housework?  I am thankful that I only work part time and use my days off for catching up.   My house is messier more than it is not.  Little ones are only so small for such a short time.  I would much rather and snuggle and read a book to them than to do whatever chore that is lacking.  I will admit that even when I was a stay at home mom I tended to let cleaning go by the side so that I could spend more time with the kids

A clean "perfect" house used to cause me so much anxiety and panic attacks if someone were to come over.  I would go into a frenzy of cleaning when they told me they were coming and well, let me tell you, if they showed up unannounced my chest would stay tight for the entire visit.  I can hear myself saying these words over and over - "so sorry for the mess".   I was embarrassed that I wasn't perfect.  I thought that it had to be a certain way. 

It wasn't until recently that I have been able to relax over this to tell the perfectionist in me that it is OK to not be supermom, to not have it all done.  That it's normal to ask for help.  I use a daily goal list to help me check off what  I want to get done.  Let me tell you there is something very empowering to see that check mark.  If for some reason I don't finish checking off that list - well that's OK too!

If you come to visit at any given time - be prepared to look past the laundry pile that isn't folded and the dishes that aren't done.   I can promise you a love and friendship filled visit but I won't promise you a spotless house.

  Yeah - These Guys - They make my world go round!

I'm Back!

For my whole life I have felt like I didn't know what to do. Not with my life, with my children & even in love I felt unsure. Who knew that a silly internet quiz would awaken in me the urge, no the absolute need to put words to paper (or fingers to keys) I grew up mediocre, never excelling at anything. Starting new ideas and never following through. I had big dreams but no idea how to make any of them come true. Hell, I didn't even know which of them were truly mine and which were what every one else wanted me to be. That's the problem with a people pleaser. You go about your life making everyone else happy and then you wind up 32, very overweight, lonely and depressed. You realize that you no longer know how to make you happy.

For me I can pinpoint the exact moment in my life that this indecisiveness landed in my lap. I walked in to my senior year confident, beautiful and loved by my friends and boyfriend. In my short 18 years of life I had wanted to be a dancer, singer, an actress, model, fashion designer, lawyer, a physcologist, a teacher & a chef. Senior year should be an exciting time in life, I mean shouldn't you have it all figured out by then? I can honestly say that I didn't. I felt pulled in so many directions. Then somehow it just all started falling apart. I grew distant from my friends, I started gaining a little weight and this overwhelming fear of failure set in. Each career choice that I would consider I would create such a list of cons that I would end up discarding it. Everyone was giving me their opinion on what I should do with my life. When it came time for me to start my work term class, I thought that I wanted to be a chef. Then panic set in as I was having my interview with a local restaurant to job-shadow. I left the interview in tears and I went home to my mom and hysterically sobbed – I don't want to be a chef. I couldn't explain why. Just that I didn't want to do it anymore. So what was I going to do, I had to do something for the work term. I ended up taking an easy way out - an internship in the music department of the elementary school. From there I thought maybe a teacher is my calling. I convinced myself four plus years of schooling is not my cup of tea. Then comes the time that college applications have to be. I still had no clue what I wanted to do. I felt crazy pressure to make the absolute right choice, no mistakes allowed. Everyone has always said how I am so much like my mother. If that is the case shouldn't I follow in her footsteps and be a human service counsellor? So that's what I did. Though I enjoyed this career in theory. I quickly learned that I was not cut out for it. I have wasted so much of my life regretting the decision to attend college for human services. The money that I wasted. The fact that I now have no education in any other field. I've allowed it to taint all future decisions. Never really trusting myself to make the right decision on anything. Always seeing regret in anything that I do. Fear of failure keeping me from trying new things. I've allowed myself to live a sheltered life in a bubble and never really reaching out there to grasp what I want. Please don't get me wrong. I am very blessed in my life, I adore my children and I love my husband beyond a doubt.

There is so much pressure to have it all figured out. To know exactly where you are going. I applaud those who do. I think that is amazing. I just don't operate that way and it took me a long time to figure that out, and an even longer time accepting and loving that about myself. It is part of what makes me, well, Me.

I now look back at that decision to attend college for human services as just one choice in a life filled with many. While not perfect, I am who I am meant to be at this moment. I'm learning to live in the moment. Throwing away those could have, should have, would haves. Not worrying about the what if's, not waiting for my life to be perfect. Living in the moment and enjoying every minute. 

 

I can't promise what the topics will be in this blog, but I can promise that they will be authentically me. Sometimes your going to tune in to fitness, fashion, life & sex.  So if you are still hanging around grab a cup of tea, and welcome to my life. 

 

Dear Bully

Dear Bully

In public you act like your the cool kid on the playground. That everyone is your friend and wants to be just like you. You think that you know all the answers and you have that "my way or the highway" mentality.

Your "friends" cower in fear of the day that you will turn on them.  Every comment out of your perfectly painted lips is a negative one.

You don't have a flaw on your perfectly proportioned body. No scars of any kind. No stretch marks on your finely toned body.  But yet you inflict them daily on those around you.  Not physical scars but emotional ones that cut deeper with every word you say.

You snicker lazy behind that fat girls back as she struggles to get through the day.  Not realizing how far she has come, you only seeing how far she has to go.

The kid who has scars is taunted.  Not realizing that each of those scars make her only more beautiful

The underweight girl - you laughingly say she is anorexic. She got there because media is so warped that she strives to want people just like you to like her. 

Some will get stronger with time after they have been hurt by you. Some never will and will shrink within themselves until they are a shell of who they once were.  No longer living life, afraid to put themselves out there for fear of rejection. 

Why do you do it? What is so wrong in your life that you feel the need to destroy everyone else?  Every word that you say to someone else is really just a reflection of what your own internal thoughts are. What it really boils down to - You hate yourself.

You need to give yourself a break.  Look a little closer at you - you're not perfect.  Your perfectly painted lips are a little too big, you have stretch marks from beautiful babies that you carried within yourself.  You call her lazy because you feel you are.  You act like you want every to be under your spell ~ But what you really dream of, that brings the tears at night is that you just wish someone would like you for well, you. 

We need to stop beating ourselves and others up. We need to be more accepting and not tell people how they "should look, should act and what they should say".  Your fine just the way you are.  Make choices that are good for you. Eat healthy and exercise - not out of punishment but because you enjoy it.  You enjoy the way you feel when you've killed that workout.  Don't let others opinions affect you ~ so what if they hate your body, your lifestyle, your blog and your attitude.  It's how you feel about yourself that counts.  I wanted to write this after a lot of my soul searching these past couple of months but I didn't know where to start.  Until I looked at this horrendous website that tears down other peoples blogs.  It made me want to vomit realizing just how mean people really are and what it boils down to is they don't like themselves.  I, for one and done with the negativity.  For myself, for others. All its doing is holding me back from my dreams.....Goodbye bully.