Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell

How I Kept From Eating Away My Loneliness

I HATE spending the night alone.  Deep down despise it.  I'm ok if the hubby is working nights but when he is away for a guys nights I enter panic mode.  Usually those nights end up with me binge eating on everything in sight and ending up with a very sick, bloated belly.   Tonight I am trying to break that habit.    Instead of turning to piles of food, I am spending my evening being a boring obsessive compulsive planner instead.  (Insert eye roll)  

It may not be the most exciting thing that I have done, but it is keeping me from devouring the entire contents of my refrigerator.

 

I have found some great templates on pinterest to plan with.  Everything from workout planning to meal planning to household planning.  It is fantastic.  I think I might have given my poor printer a heart attack with all the sheets I've printed off this evening. 

So far I have worked out my exercise goals for the week:

Sunday - TRX
Monday - workout at home
Tuesday - Yoga
Wednesday - That Step class is going to finally be my bitch!
Thursday - Yoga
Friday - Core Strength Class
Saturday - Either a workout at home or one of the morning classes at the gym.

Well that is a very full and very scary set of exercise goals for next.   If I make it to all of those classes I am going to reward myself with a new book and a hot bubble bath and some me time :)

I have super pick people in my house.  If one likes it, the next doesn't - now me I love just about anything! 

I find making meals that everyone likes in my housevery hard.    We tend to make the same meals over and over.  I tend to get board of that. I LOVE making new recipes.  Whether they turn out or taste horrible I love trying new things :) 

Here is what I have for this weeks meal plan

Tuesday - we are escaping to the camp :) so, fiddleheads, roasted potatoes & steak sound yummy
Wednesday - going out for dinner for New Years Eve
Thursday - Rosemary glazed pork & roasted vegetables with basmati rice
Friday - Roast chicken,  sweet potatoes & squash
Saturday - Pizza
Sunday - Homemade Chicken noodle soup & beer bread

Next week the hubby is on nights so it is just the kids and I kicking around for supper.  This is when I tend to get lazy and not eat anything myself (which leads to a binge at some point) and just make super quick stuff for the kids.  I plan on making ahead a few meals on Sunday so I don't have to do much during the week :) Just re-heat & go!

What's Stopping Me?

The part that I struggle with constantly is getting (and keeping) it all together.    I get the fitness on track - eating falls off track.   Eating on track - fitness falls off.   I get so focused on one that I just let the other slide.  

I KNOW what I should be eating

I KNOW what I should be doing for exercise

I KNOW....So why can't I get it together?

Here are the problems that I struggle with for my eating:

1.  There are so many different eating plans out there.  Hi carb, low carb, no carb, IIFYM, atkins, paleo, clean eating.    It's so confusing on what to chose.  And let's face it - I like food.period.  Which leads me to......

2. I'm a meal skipper/binge eater....There are days that the only thing that I think about is food.  About the next meal, snack or bite. There are days that I wish that I had a private chef that would make perfectly proportioned, perfectly yummy foods.  I used to love to bake but I don't any longer.  Why, you ask?  Well, I live in fear that I wont be able to control myself and I that I will consume all the food (dishes and all)

3. Then there is my biggest struggle - feeding my family.  A picky bunch they are.  While my husband supports me 110% that does not mean that he is ready to eat rabbit food as he calls it. 

Right now I am just trying my best to not skip meals. I try to stay away from processed food.  To stay away from pop. I don't believe in good food vs bad food.  If there is something that I want to indulge in then I make sure the juice is worth squeeze.  

But really above all - I am just focusing on being happy.

Information Overload

The health and fitness world is such a confusing place.  No wonder it's hard to lose weight.  There are tons of conflicting statements that you hear... Sometimes it makes me want to hide under the blankets and just stay there.


How much you should workout, for how long and how hard...
The food you should eat, low fat, low cal, paleo, gluten free, clean eating and this list could go on....
Which vitamins & supplements to take...
Which workouts are most effective...
A gym membership versus the home gym...
To count calories and to track food...
Do you jump on the scale to weigh yourself or do you let your clothes decide...

The research is even more confusing cause when you read about one you seem convinced that this is what you need and then you open the next article and you see tons of great information backing it up as well.

Everyone is different and what works for me isn't going to work for everyone.

I feel like I have tried all the options and now as I sit here typing this I am assessing what is working for me.


In my life right now I feel like I am spinning in a rut when it comes to working out.  And by that I mean - I have no ambition to workout.  Which I don't get cause I LOVE a good sweat.  I love how badass I feel afterwards.  I don't use my workouts as punishment. I always have loved them. But lately, I just can't seem to make myself want to take the time.  Which is completely silly cause it's only an hour out of my day max.  What I am going to commit to is walking  10 - 15 minutes a day.  Just to get back in the groove.  And maybe someday that walking will turn to running again.  I also love yoga so I am sure that will enter in to my plan some days as well.  

For food choices - I like to keep it simple.   As fresh and natural as possible, and if it is packaged - I like to be able to read the ingredients.  

Vitamins and supplements - well I just feel lost on this one - I don't want to be taking a billion pills a day.  So I think I have settled on the following list

• CoEnzyme Q10 
• A Calcium, Magnesium & Vitamin D
• A Multi Vitamin for Women
• A Vitamin B complex 
• Chia Seeds

I also think that for me - I need to track the foods that I am eating to make sure I am eating enough so that I don't go into binge mode cause I have gotten to hungry.  I don't plan on using that tracking to be restrictive in my eating.  Cause that causes binge eating as well..... Heck, it seems like just breathing causes binge eating.

Annnnd, This brings us to that evil thing called a scale.  There have been points in my life that I have jumped on that thing MULTIPLE times a day.  I have finally gotten myself to a point in which I can go to a few days in between weighing in.  I would like it to be a once a week kinda thing......I like to see the number going down.

The most important thing is to do this journey with love for yourself, your body & your mind.  

I would love to hear what works and what doesn't work for you!

Monday Goal Link Up

Hey everyone! Hope all my American readers had a great 4th of July! 

I thought last weeks goals would be easy to accomplish - but nope, I set three and I only accomplished one...Any guesses on which one?

Goal 1 - 1 new Fruit & 1 new Veggie
Goal 2 - Use the bowflex on non-running day
Goal 3 - Call the doc about a breast reduction!

Goals one and two seemed like a cakewalk - but noooooo I only accomplished #3.    However I exercised a ton, used the bowflex twice, dusted off that crazy bitch Jillian Micheal's Body Revolution (They make me want to puke) and ran lots!  

Splurged on some new running shoes cause mine were well used and I don't think they had another mile in them.

My new babies ;)

They feel AMAZING like I am running on pillows.

So here is to a new week.  I have a goal that is going to be tough for me this week.  You see I feel like I am going to lapse into my old ways of binge eating.  I've seen a few pounds change on the scale and I'm all like I need to eat every morsel of food that I can think of.   I am trying my best not to give in.

Binge eating is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to tackle.  Quitting smoking was a walk in the park compared to this.

My goals this week are

1.  Don't Binge (Easier said than done - but check out my step by step plan to tackle it)
2. Keep exercising 6X a week.  3 Runs and 3 Other

To not binge

1. MFP is my new bff, we are gonna be tight all week.  Logging every bite.  When I get up in the morning I am going to put in all my food for the day including snacks.
2. Drown my cravings in water
3. If the water trick doesn't work, have a piece of fruit or some veggies. 
4. Blog about it.  See that is what I am doing right now - instead of diving headfirst into a bowl of pasta covered in taco'y goodness I am setting my goals.
5. Get away from the tv, read a book, crochet whatever, just do something different!


I want to see a loss on the scale on Wednesday!