When Quitting Isn't Giving Up

This week has been filled with some big learning and aha moments.  For the last 7 months I have been on a journey to learn how to eat, how to move my body & how to make better choices.    I have done this with the help of the fantastic ladies at my local Simply For Life.  During my time with them I have lost 20lbs making my total weight loss 40lbs.  I have learned so much from my consultant. 

Lately I've been learning more about trusting my body, learning to love her & taking care of it better.   Because of everything that I have learned through both Simply For Life and my own zest for research, books & anything data based, I have decided that it is time to close the book on the weekly weigh ins at Simply For Life.   It's time to pull up those big girl panties and practice what I have learned.

So for the first time in a long time, while I am leaving this journey at Simply For Life I don't feel as though I am giving up or that I have failed.  I feel like this leg of my journey has come to an end for now.  I know that if I need to I can return at anytime and they would welcome me with open arms.

It was a hard decision to come to, I feel like I am breaking up with my consultant.  Deep down though, I know that she will be proud of my decision and support me 100% and that if I ever need her she will be there for me.

My hopes and dreams for this fresh phase that I am embarking on are that I learn to eat in the middle, that food is not  good or bad but use it to fuel and satisfy my body.  That I trust myself to dust off my apron and cook my little heart out - that was something I gave up as I gained weight because I no longer felt I could trust myself.   (If you are looking or a new cookbook I HIGHLY suggest Andie Mitchell's - Cooking in the Middle.   I bought the kindle version but now I am dying for the hardcover hold in my hands version.)  That I move my body in ways that she appreciates and enjoys.  Most of all that I am happy, that I can enjoy life and not focus on the number on the scale so much.  Cheers to new beginnings.

Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell

An Inspiration? Who Me?

Last night I received a facebook message from a friend and in it she said that seeing my posts on fitness had inspired her to start getting active again.  I immediately thought - "Who? Me?"  How could I give someone else inspiration when there are days still that I am not even my own inspiration.


A year ago I never thought that I could be anyone's inspiration.  You see at the beginning of this year I started on this journey of mine that was no longer about losing the weight.  It wasn't about being the skinniest bitch on the block.  What it was about was stopping the hateful things that I was saying to myself - believe me even the biggest bully had NOTHING on what I could say to tear myself down.   By no way am I near the end of this journey but I have come a long way.  I don't hate myself anymore.  Now I see a strong, beautiful woman who has fantastic form at TRX ;) I am proud of what I accomplish, the fact that I don't give up as easily.  That I am getting out there an trying new things - old me would have been too paralyzed by anxiety of "not doing it right" to even walk into a gym class full of strangers, let alone going there and rocking it. 

All of these changes make me feel fantastic inside and out.  I know that the inches are coming off (slowly), I don't keep a close track on them cause I am no longer a slave to the scale (meaning I no longer weigh myself at least 10 times a DAY - that's right, day - not month, not week - a DAY) I don't beat myself up on days that I mess up by not working out or eating properly.  If something sinfully delicious is wanted - I indulge, enjoy every moment and move on.   I have more joy, relaxation, patience and happiness in my life.  I have less tears, anxiety and days that I want to bury my head in the blankets and not want to get out of bed.

I now go to class with no fear and worry.  I am not constantly thinking - can my body even do these classes? Instead I go and I simply do.my.best.  If I need to modify the move, OK - If I need to modify the modifier - OK.  Really that is all we can do.   Just try.  Don't give up and everyday we get stronger, better and more fulfilled.    

Some may not like that my facebook is filled with "brags" about my workouts, or what I am eating or how great I feel now. But if I can just let one person know that it's ok and that they can do it too and not to give up then I'm #sorrynotsorry

I used to worry constantly about how others perceived me, worried that they would look down on me because of the stuff that I share on here then I remember that someone else might be struggling with the same thing and it might help them.  To hear that I am giving someone else a little bit of inspiration I was so honored and humbled.  I thank that person for reaching out to me.  Remember guys - you're all the reason that somebody else is inspired.  

Why I Didn't Fail Today

Geez my posts sure are sporadic and I apologize to what I am sure are the 3 people who read my blog.  But really this isn't about how many views I have or how many followers...I just like a spot where I can share what is going on in my head and clear it out to make space for my life.

Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......

I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more.   Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive.  It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am.  One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before.  One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep.  I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment.  Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do. 


And I did.   Until today.  Till I couldn't.

Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me.  I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away. 

My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag.  On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car.  The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud.    Cause I think there was a little of all three in there.  Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people.  Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded.  But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0.  The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class.  The fact that I am not giving up.  I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class.    I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do. 

To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried.  I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have.  For a long time I lived with a fear of failure.  EVERYTHING had to be perfect.  It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while.   My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.

And you know what?  Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and I get to do it all over again :)

It's Just Clothing - Cleaning out My Closet

I hear my husband and my best friend saying this to me over and over.....It's just a piece of clothing Alicia

Why do I hold on to this stuff. Is it really just clothing? Yes, it's just fabric, buttons and stitches.  But to me it has been so much more.  Fabric woven of memories of better times, buttons that want me to stay in the past & every stitch seems to be laced with the could've should've & would've.

It has take me a long time to realize that  I don't need to cling to the past. It isn't where I want to live anymore.  I want to live my life wide awake, eye wide open and enjoying every-freaking-moment! 


I'm trying to live my life with new rules when it comes to my clothing - If It's Not a Hell Yes ~ It's A Hell No.  I want my clothes to reflect how I see myself and how I want the world to see me.  And that means no more ill fitting, ripped, torn & stained clothing.

Out with the old and in with the new.  I have been re-building my wardrobe from the errrr foundations up.  Sexy lingerie - was my first big purchase - bottom line -  I wanted to feel sexy again for me....not for anyone else. This journey is about ME.

You might think it would be easy to just chuck out this old stuff, but I've had to work through a ton of limiting beliefs about getting rid of these clothes.  I thought I would share some of them with you cause if you are going through the same thing, I don't want you to feel alone. There were two types of clothing that I needed to clean out of my closet in order to move on with my life - Skinny Clothes & Clothes That Made Me Feel Like Shit when I wore them.   Here are my limiting beliefs and what I told myself to overcome them. 

Skinny Clothes:

• What if I get skinny again? Do you really want to be wearing fashions from 10 years ago?  Your personal style has evolved since then.  Plus who doesn't love to shop! 
• If I get rid of them, isn't that like giving up the dream of being skinny & healthy?  Just cause I throw away clothes doesn't mean that I need to stop moving or fueling my body in a way that I deserve - it's JUST clothing.  They hold no power

Clothes That Made Me Feel Like Shit:

• I don't fit right in clothes - sure some styles don't suit me but that is the same with EVERYONE
• It doesn't matter what I look like - Just because I have been married FOREVER and because I have been a stay at home mom for a long time doesn't mean that I shouldn't take the time to look good and make myself feel good.
• It fits so I better keep it - NEVER again will I wear something that doesn't stop and make me say "Damn, I loooook Goood"
• I will have no clothes left - This is one that I have really struggled with in a lot of areas in my life.  Money, food (binging) and even hanging in my closet.  BUT, Really???? Really????? Please see photos below.  1st photo shows about....oh lets say.....150ish items of clothing + the stuff that I had already sold this winter.  2nd photo well, as you can see my closet is still full....

That my lovelies, is the pile of clothing that came out of my closet.  

(no wonder I worried that I would be left with nothing)

what you can't see in this photo are two piles in the back row that are hidden by the pile of cardigans in the from (yes, I will be attending Cardigans Anonymous in the near future)

But as you can see there are still a ton of options in my closet 

  
 This was definitely not an easy task.  I have been working on it for the last month to work past all these fears.  Thank god I have a wonderful support system that talk me down off the ledge...Even if they can barely understand me through the tears and hysterics when I place my favorite pair of skinny capris in the discard pile.

When I finished and took these photos ~ I felt so amazingly free.  Unbelievable.  Then I thought to myself - why didn't I do this sooner..... 

What's holding you back?