When Quitting Isn't Giving Up

This week has been filled with some big learning and aha moments.  For the last 7 months I have been on a journey to learn how to eat, how to move my body & how to make better choices.    I have done this with the help of the fantastic ladies at my local Simply For Life.  During my time with them I have lost 20lbs making my total weight loss 40lbs.  I have learned so much from my consultant. 

Lately I've been learning more about trusting my body, learning to love her & taking care of it better.   Because of everything that I have learned through both Simply For Life and my own zest for research, books & anything data based, I have decided that it is time to close the book on the weekly weigh ins at Simply For Life.   It's time to pull up those big girl panties and practice what I have learned.

So for the first time in a long time, while I am leaving this journey at Simply For Life I don't feel as though I am giving up or that I have failed.  I feel like this leg of my journey has come to an end for now.  I know that if I need to I can return at anytime and they would welcome me with open arms.

It was a hard decision to come to, I feel like I am breaking up with my consultant.  Deep down though, I know that she will be proud of my decision and support me 100% and that if I ever need her she will be there for me.

My hopes and dreams for this fresh phase that I am embarking on are that I learn to eat in the middle, that food is not  good or bad but use it to fuel and satisfy my body.  That I trust myself to dust off my apron and cook my little heart out - that was something I gave up as I gained weight because I no longer felt I could trust myself.   (If you are looking or a new cookbook I HIGHLY suggest Andie Mitchell's - Cooking in the Middle.   I bought the kindle version but now I am dying for the hardcover hold in my hands version.)  That I move my body in ways that she appreciates and enjoys.  Most of all that I am happy, that I can enjoy life and not focus on the number on the scale so much.  Cheers to new beginnings.

Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell

Why I Didn't Fail Today

Geez my posts sure are sporadic and I apologize to what I am sure are the 3 people who read my blog.  But really this isn't about how many views I have or how many followers...I just like a spot where I can share what is going on in my head and clear it out to make space for my life.

Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......

I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more.   Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive.  It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am.  One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before.  One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep.  I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment.  Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do. 


And I did.   Until today.  Till I couldn't.

Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me.  I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away. 

My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag.  On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car.  The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud.    Cause I think there was a little of all three in there.  Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people.  Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded.  But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0.  The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class.  The fact that I am not giving up.  I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class.    I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do. 

To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried.  I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have.  For a long time I lived with a fear of failure.  EVERYTHING had to be perfect.  It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while.   My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.

And you know what?  Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and I get to do it all over again :)

It's Been A While

I've always been a people pleas-er, do whatever I can for you kind of person.   It has caused me incredible pleasure AND pain over the years.  Pleasure when you feel the warmth and love come back from the persons who's life you have touched.  Pain when it's done cause people feel they can walk all over you and you get nothing from them in return.  Over the years I have learned to push some of that away.  Those people and moments aren't gone completely but now I hold them at a distance where they have a harder time breaking through my walls I have built to keep the pain out.  Truth be told I've even kept some of the good in my life at bay in fear that it would hurt me too. 

What does this have to do with my weight loss journey?  Well, you see I have a wonderful husband (who also drives me completely nuts - hey no-one is perfect) and two great kids.  I have been struggling with my weight for years cause I always put everyone and everything else first. 

Today, my husband had a doctors appointment for some blood work results.   His tests came back fine but he was told to lose 20 lbs. 

I jumped with joy when I heard this and my first thoughts were well maybe now you can lose weight yourself since he has to as well.  It was my chance to be a do-gooder, to lend that helping hand and to do something for someone else.  For SOMEONE else.  not for me....Why do I depend so much on everyone else being happy.  How do I learn to put myself first?  I need to make this MY journey - he can have his own.  But I want to be the star of my journey.  I no longer am comparing myself to anyone else's highlight reel.  I am only in competition with myself.  All that matters is that I love me no matter what and that I keep getting back up when I fall down.  

How I am going to do this - I have no clue.  But I am guessing that it will be one step (a baby one) at a time.   My first goal is to lost 5% of my weight. (That around 13 - 14 lbs) and my first step to doing it - cut out the pop.  This is always my hardest on to do, pop seems to creep right back up there and sneak back into my fridge.   

Tomorrow marks a fresh start for me - I am getting a makeover - stay tuned for the before and after.  Doing this is completely out of my comfort zone - I tend to be a little on the stingy side with doing things for myself. 

Work What Your Mamma Gave You

I have been blessed, by both genes and gaining weight to have ginormous boobs.  There I said it.  I have been wanting to have a breast reduction done for YEARS.  at a HH cup they are killing my back & my pocket book (1 bra = $80) I actually got up the nerve to go to my doctor for a referral. He said sure but he is going to tell you to loose weight, like 100 lbs.  I was ok with him telling me that.  I am in the midst of loosing weight and that's about where I want to end up.   What threw me for a loop was when the plastic surgeon wouldn't even see me or keep me on file until I loose another 118 lbs (I've lose 10.4 since June ~ Go Me!)  At first I had a pity party - bawled my eyes out - had those moments of self doubt that I would never be able to loose that weight. But then I remember Hells Yes I can do this, I can do anything I want.  Just gotta put my mind and body to work.  I am the only thing that can stand in my way on this.  No one can tell me I won't be able to do it, they can't tell me that it's going to be really hard (no shit, nothing worth while comes easy)

I have changed so much over the last few months.  I used to let my weight hold me back and not be able to enjoy life.  There are things I have never done - so I am making a bucket list of things that I have never done and things that I used to do that I gave up as the weight came on.   I am hoping to cross off one item a month.   These things used to cause me panic attacks at just the thought of doing them.  Fear of being ridiculed or of not knowing how to do it.  But no more. I am perfect just the way that I am.  I love that my body is able to do things that I never thought that I would be capable of doing.  I just love my body period.  Sure it's got a lot of curves, but it's also has some amazing muscles and a hot ass ;)

So here is my bucket list in no :
Tubing
Play catch
Golf
Play pool
1/2 Marathon
TreeGO (its ziplines, climbing and walking along the top of the tree line)
Learn to drive a 4wheeler

I am sure as the year goes on I will be adding to my list (And crossing them off)  And as for those 118LBS,  I will get there one day in the near future.  Just taking it one pound at a time!

Dear Bully

Dear Bully

In public you act like your the cool kid on the playground. That everyone is your friend and wants to be just like you. You think that you know all the answers and you have that "my way or the highway" mentality.

Your "friends" cower in fear of the day that you will turn on them.  Every comment out of your perfectly painted lips is a negative one.

You don't have a flaw on your perfectly proportioned body. No scars of any kind. No stretch marks on your finely toned body.  But yet you inflict them daily on those around you.  Not physical scars but emotional ones that cut deeper with every word you say.

You snicker lazy behind that fat girls back as she struggles to get through the day.  Not realizing how far she has come, you only seeing how far she has to go.

The kid who has scars is taunted.  Not realizing that each of those scars make her only more beautiful

The underweight girl - you laughingly say she is anorexic. She got there because media is so warped that she strives to want people just like you to like her. 

Some will get stronger with time after they have been hurt by you. Some never will and will shrink within themselves until they are a shell of who they once were.  No longer living life, afraid to put themselves out there for fear of rejection. 

Why do you do it? What is so wrong in your life that you feel the need to destroy everyone else?  Every word that you say to someone else is really just a reflection of what your own internal thoughts are. What it really boils down to - You hate yourself.

You need to give yourself a break.  Look a little closer at you - you're not perfect.  Your perfectly painted lips are a little too big, you have stretch marks from beautiful babies that you carried within yourself.  You call her lazy because you feel you are.  You act like you want every to be under your spell ~ But what you really dream of, that brings the tears at night is that you just wish someone would like you for well, you. 

We need to stop beating ourselves and others up. We need to be more accepting and not tell people how they "should look, should act and what they should say".  Your fine just the way you are.  Make choices that are good for you. Eat healthy and exercise - not out of punishment but because you enjoy it.  You enjoy the way you feel when you've killed that workout.  Don't let others opinions affect you ~ so what if they hate your body, your lifestyle, your blog and your attitude.  It's how you feel about yourself that counts.  I wanted to write this after a lot of my soul searching these past couple of months but I didn't know where to start.  Until I looked at this horrendous website that tears down other peoples blogs.  It made me want to vomit realizing just how mean people really are and what it boils down to is they don't like themselves.  I, for one and done with the negativity.  For myself, for others. All its doing is holding me back from my dreams.....Goodbye bully.

Why I Ditched the Scale & Fell in Love WIth Me

I've been overweight my entire adult life.   I gain and I lose, I lose and I gain. Over and over again. This go round has been a little different.  Thanks to a few blogs that have inspired me to change my internal thoughts and feelings.


In the past 2 months I have worked on changing me from the inside  - not focusing on the outside.  I accept myself at the size that I am.  I love me, I no longer say hateful, shameful things to myself.  Occasionally I slip cause Ain't nobody perfect!

I try to eat healthy. Cause honestly I enjoy healthy, clean foods waaaaay more than I do that single indulgence in fatty greasy foods (Except I do love a good burger)  I make sure I swim at least 5-6 days a week.  

With those changes - I have have started shedding weight (still no movement in the pounds department) but I have lost 10" off my waist, plus an additional 6" in other areas.

I have let what that evil scale has said affect my thoughts and feelings way too much.  Don't get me wrong I still get on and check what the number is.  But it doesn't control me like it used to. I don't tend to get upset - it's just a number.  The scale can't tell me how beautiful I am, it doesn't tell me how strong I am. I am rockin' this body and I will rock it as much now as when I hit my happy weight.  I no longer have a number in my head that I want that scale to read.  I want to Live my life without limitations that's my goal :)  Oh and maybe to fit my hot ass into a pair of lulu lemons ;)

PS that pic of me is from my family photos in the fall.  I will do an updated one soon I promise!

Sadness, Tears & A little Joy

I write this post with a heavy heart after today's tragedy in Boston. I am sending all my love and prayers to the people and families affected by it. 

I swam tonight.  I needed to clear my head after all the terrible sights on the news.  I wish it could have been a run to honor them.  In my heart that's what it was.   I released my thoughts into those blue waters and had a few calming moments to myself. 

I am finding it hard to write a happy post in this aftermath.  I'm halfway through my first week of setting new goals.  My first as you know was to cut the diet pop out. Well I have done that :) No pop since Thursday afternoon!! I have upped my water intake .I am feeling great :) Less bloated.  A few headaches & some sleepiness along the way ~ but those are just little bumps in the road.

Tonight was the first night that I got to try one of my Meal Plan recipes.  I made Ginger Pork, Broccoli & Rice.  It was delicious! I will post the recipe under the recipe section tomorrow.

For now I will leave you ~ Hug your loved ones a little closer and remember things can change in a blink of an eye. Lets live a life with less regrets

XOXO