Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......
I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more. Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive. It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am. One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before. One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep. I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment. Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do.
And I did. Until today. Till I couldn't.
Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me. I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away.
My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag. On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car. The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud. Cause I think there was a little of all three in there. Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people. Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded. But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0. The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class. The fact that I am not giving up. I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class. I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do.
To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried. I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have. For a long time I lived with a fear of failure. EVERYTHING had to be perfect. It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while. My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.
Thanks for sharing your feelings! You have a fabulous perspective and outlook. Keep blogging, it's therapeutic and will also help others.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great work and keep listening to your body :)
Thanks Ruth Ann :) I finally feel like I am getting somewheres :)
DeleteI admire your point of view Alicia and your effort. I was in that step class and I promise you not an once of judgment was passed by me when you had to leave. I wasn't the one teaching the class but I am an instructor and let me tell you any little bit you can do is great! I am glad that you already can see it but let me say it again, that there is no shame in not being able to complete a class. In fact it was only a few weeks ago that I returned to a spin class, after months of not being to one, and I had to get off of the bike and do calf raises instead for a whole song because I couldn't possibly sit on that seat for one more second. I had to make the workout my own as we often say as instructors. Proof that we practice what we preach.
ReplyDeleteI would love to work with you and help you conquer that step class a little bit at a time if you would like. I am working my way back up to teaching a step class after having a baby. I have been meaning to get in and practice at the gym. I would love to have you join me sometime. It would be more fun for me to have someone to workout with and we can go at your pace.
Vanessa
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