Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell

It's Just Clothing - Cleaning out My Closet

I hear my husband and my best friend saying this to me over and over.....It's just a piece of clothing Alicia

Why do I hold on to this stuff. Is it really just clothing? Yes, it's just fabric, buttons and stitches.  But to me it has been so much more.  Fabric woven of memories of better times, buttons that want me to stay in the past & every stitch seems to be laced with the could've should've & would've.

It has take me a long time to realize that  I don't need to cling to the past. It isn't where I want to live anymore.  I want to live my life wide awake, eye wide open and enjoying every-freaking-moment! 


I'm trying to live my life with new rules when it comes to my clothing - If It's Not a Hell Yes ~ It's A Hell No.  I want my clothes to reflect how I see myself and how I want the world to see me.  And that means no more ill fitting, ripped, torn & stained clothing.

Out with the old and in with the new.  I have been re-building my wardrobe from the errrr foundations up.  Sexy lingerie - was my first big purchase - bottom line -  I wanted to feel sexy again for me....not for anyone else. This journey is about ME.

You might think it would be easy to just chuck out this old stuff, but I've had to work through a ton of limiting beliefs about getting rid of these clothes.  I thought I would share some of them with you cause if you are going through the same thing, I don't want you to feel alone. There were two types of clothing that I needed to clean out of my closet in order to move on with my life - Skinny Clothes & Clothes That Made Me Feel Like Shit when I wore them.   Here are my limiting beliefs and what I told myself to overcome them. 

Skinny Clothes:

• What if I get skinny again? Do you really want to be wearing fashions from 10 years ago?  Your personal style has evolved since then.  Plus who doesn't love to shop! 
• If I get rid of them, isn't that like giving up the dream of being skinny & healthy?  Just cause I throw away clothes doesn't mean that I need to stop moving or fueling my body in a way that I deserve - it's JUST clothing.  They hold no power

Clothes That Made Me Feel Like Shit:

• I don't fit right in clothes - sure some styles don't suit me but that is the same with EVERYONE
• It doesn't matter what I look like - Just because I have been married FOREVER and because I have been a stay at home mom for a long time doesn't mean that I shouldn't take the time to look good and make myself feel good.
• It fits so I better keep it - NEVER again will I wear something that doesn't stop and make me say "Damn, I loooook Goood"
• I will have no clothes left - This is one that I have really struggled with in a lot of areas in my life.  Money, food (binging) and even hanging in my closet.  BUT, Really???? Really????? Please see photos below.  1st photo shows about....oh lets say.....150ish items of clothing + the stuff that I had already sold this winter.  2nd photo well, as you can see my closet is still full....

That my lovelies, is the pile of clothing that came out of my closet.  

(no wonder I worried that I would be left with nothing)

what you can't see in this photo are two piles in the back row that are hidden by the pile of cardigans in the from (yes, I will be attending Cardigans Anonymous in the near future)

But as you can see there are still a ton of options in my closet 

  
 This was definitely not an easy task.  I have been working on it for the last month to work past all these fears.  Thank god I have a wonderful support system that talk me down off the ledge...Even if they can barely understand me through the tears and hysterics when I place my favorite pair of skinny capris in the discard pile.

When I finished and took these photos ~ I felt so amazingly free.  Unbelievable.  Then I thought to myself - why didn't I do this sooner..... 

What's holding you back?