Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell