I'm Back!

For my whole life I have felt like I didn't know what to do. Not with my life, with my children & even in love I felt unsure. Who knew that a silly internet quiz would awaken in me the urge, no the absolute need to put words to paper (or fingers to keys) I grew up mediocre, never excelling at anything. Starting new ideas and never following through. I had big dreams but no idea how to make any of them come true. Hell, I didn't even know which of them were truly mine and which were what every one else wanted me to be. That's the problem with a people pleaser. You go about your life making everyone else happy and then you wind up 32, very overweight, lonely and depressed. You realize that you no longer know how to make you happy.

For me I can pinpoint the exact moment in my life that this indecisiveness landed in my lap. I walked in to my senior year confident, beautiful and loved by my friends and boyfriend. In my short 18 years of life I had wanted to be a dancer, singer, an actress, model, fashion designer, lawyer, a physcologist, a teacher & a chef. Senior year should be an exciting time in life, I mean shouldn't you have it all figured out by then? I can honestly say that I didn't. I felt pulled in so many directions. Then somehow it just all started falling apart. I grew distant from my friends, I started gaining a little weight and this overwhelming fear of failure set in. Each career choice that I would consider I would create such a list of cons that I would end up discarding it. Everyone was giving me their opinion on what I should do with my life. When it came time for me to start my work term class, I thought that I wanted to be a chef. Then panic set in as I was having my interview with a local restaurant to job-shadow. I left the interview in tears and I went home to my mom and hysterically sobbed – I don't want to be a chef. I couldn't explain why. Just that I didn't want to do it anymore. So what was I going to do, I had to do something for the work term. I ended up taking an easy way out - an internship in the music department of the elementary school. From there I thought maybe a teacher is my calling. I convinced myself four plus years of schooling is not my cup of tea. Then comes the time that college applications have to be. I still had no clue what I wanted to do. I felt crazy pressure to make the absolute right choice, no mistakes allowed. Everyone has always said how I am so much like my mother. If that is the case shouldn't I follow in her footsteps and be a human service counsellor? So that's what I did. Though I enjoyed this career in theory. I quickly learned that I was not cut out for it. I have wasted so much of my life regretting the decision to attend college for human services. The money that I wasted. The fact that I now have no education in any other field. I've allowed it to taint all future decisions. Never really trusting myself to make the right decision on anything. Always seeing regret in anything that I do. Fear of failure keeping me from trying new things. I've allowed myself to live a sheltered life in a bubble and never really reaching out there to grasp what I want. Please don't get me wrong. I am very blessed in my life, I adore my children and I love my husband beyond a doubt.

There is so much pressure to have it all figured out. To know exactly where you are going. I applaud those who do. I think that is amazing. I just don't operate that way and it took me a long time to figure that out, and an even longer time accepting and loving that about myself. It is part of what makes me, well, Me.

I now look back at that decision to attend college for human services as just one choice in a life filled with many. While not perfect, I am who I am meant to be at this moment. I'm learning to live in the moment. Throwing away those could have, should have, would haves. Not worrying about the what if's, not waiting for my life to be perfect. Living in the moment and enjoying every minute. 

 

I can't promise what the topics will be in this blog, but I can promise that they will be authentically me. Sometimes your going to tune in to fitness, fashion, life & sex.  So if you are still hanging around grab a cup of tea, and welcome to my life.