When Quitting Isn't Giving Up

This week has been filled with some big learning and aha moments.  For the last 7 months I have been on a journey to learn how to eat, how to move my body & how to make better choices.    I have done this with the help of the fantastic ladies at my local Simply For Life.  During my time with them I have lost 20lbs making my total weight loss 40lbs.  I have learned so much from my consultant. 

Lately I've been learning more about trusting my body, learning to love her & taking care of it better.   Because of everything that I have learned through both Simply For Life and my own zest for research, books & anything data based, I have decided that it is time to close the book on the weekly weigh ins at Simply For Life.   It's time to pull up those big girl panties and practice what I have learned.

So for the first time in a long time, while I am leaving this journey at Simply For Life I don't feel as though I am giving up or that I have failed.  I feel like this leg of my journey has come to an end for now.  I know that if I need to I can return at anytime and they would welcome me with open arms.

It was a hard decision to come to, I feel like I am breaking up with my consultant.  Deep down though, I know that she will be proud of my decision and support me 100% and that if I ever need her she will be there for me.

My hopes and dreams for this fresh phase that I am embarking on are that I learn to eat in the middle, that food is not  good or bad but use it to fuel and satisfy my body.  That I trust myself to dust off my apron and cook my little heart out - that was something I gave up as I gained weight because I no longer felt I could trust myself.   (If you are looking or a new cookbook I HIGHLY suggest Andie Mitchell's - Cooking in the Middle.   I bought the kindle version but now I am dying for the hardcover hold in my hands version.)  That I move my body in ways that she appreciates and enjoys.  Most of all that I am happy, that I can enjoy life and not focus on the number on the scale so much.  Cheers to new beginnings.

How I Kept From Eating Away My Loneliness

I HATE spending the night alone.  Deep down despise it.  I'm ok if the hubby is working nights but when he is away for a guys nights I enter panic mode.  Usually those nights end up with me binge eating on everything in sight and ending up with a very sick, bloated belly.   Tonight I am trying to break that habit.    Instead of turning to piles of food, I am spending my evening being a boring obsessive compulsive planner instead.  (Insert eye roll)  

It may not be the most exciting thing that I have done, but it is keeping me from devouring the entire contents of my refrigerator.

 

I have found some great templates on pinterest to plan with.  Everything from workout planning to meal planning to household planning.  It is fantastic.  I think I might have given my poor printer a heart attack with all the sheets I've printed off this evening. 

So far I have worked out my exercise goals for the week:

Sunday - TRX
Monday - workout at home
Tuesday - Yoga
Wednesday - That Step class is going to finally be my bitch!
Thursday - Yoga
Friday - Core Strength Class
Saturday - Either a workout at home or one of the morning classes at the gym.

Well that is a very full and very scary set of exercise goals for next.   If I make it to all of those classes I am going to reward myself with a new book and a hot bubble bath and some me time :)

I have super pick people in my house.  If one likes it, the next doesn't - now me I love just about anything! 

I find making meals that everyone likes in my housevery hard.    We tend to make the same meals over and over.  I tend to get board of that. I LOVE making new recipes.  Whether they turn out or taste horrible I love trying new things :) 

Here is what I have for this weeks meal plan

Tuesday - we are escaping to the camp :) so, fiddleheads, roasted potatoes & steak sound yummy
Wednesday - going out for dinner for New Years Eve
Thursday - Rosemary glazed pork & roasted vegetables with basmati rice
Friday - Roast chicken,  sweet potatoes & squash
Saturday - Pizza
Sunday - Homemade Chicken noodle soup & beer bread

Next week the hubby is on nights so it is just the kids and I kicking around for supper.  This is when I tend to get lazy and not eat anything myself (which leads to a binge at some point) and just make super quick stuff for the kids.  I plan on making ahead a few meals on Sunday so I don't have to do much during the week :) Just re-heat & go!

An Inspiration? Who Me?

Last night I received a facebook message from a friend and in it she said that seeing my posts on fitness had inspired her to start getting active again.  I immediately thought - "Who? Me?"  How could I give someone else inspiration when there are days still that I am not even my own inspiration.


A year ago I never thought that I could be anyone's inspiration.  You see at the beginning of this year I started on this journey of mine that was no longer about losing the weight.  It wasn't about being the skinniest bitch on the block.  What it was about was stopping the hateful things that I was saying to myself - believe me even the biggest bully had NOTHING on what I could say to tear myself down.   By no way am I near the end of this journey but I have come a long way.  I don't hate myself anymore.  Now I see a strong, beautiful woman who has fantastic form at TRX ;) I am proud of what I accomplish, the fact that I don't give up as easily.  That I am getting out there an trying new things - old me would have been too paralyzed by anxiety of "not doing it right" to even walk into a gym class full of strangers, let alone going there and rocking it. 

All of these changes make me feel fantastic inside and out.  I know that the inches are coming off (slowly), I don't keep a close track on them cause I am no longer a slave to the scale (meaning I no longer weigh myself at least 10 times a DAY - that's right, day - not month, not week - a DAY) I don't beat myself up on days that I mess up by not working out or eating properly.  If something sinfully delicious is wanted - I indulge, enjoy every moment and move on.   I have more joy, relaxation, patience and happiness in my life.  I have less tears, anxiety and days that I want to bury my head in the blankets and not want to get out of bed.

I now go to class with no fear and worry.  I am not constantly thinking - can my body even do these classes? Instead I go and I simply do.my.best.  If I need to modify the move, OK - If I need to modify the modifier - OK.  Really that is all we can do.   Just try.  Don't give up and everyday we get stronger, better and more fulfilled.    

Some may not like that my facebook is filled with "brags" about my workouts, or what I am eating or how great I feel now. But if I can just let one person know that it's ok and that they can do it too and not to give up then I'm #sorrynotsorry

I used to worry constantly about how others perceived me, worried that they would look down on me because of the stuff that I share on here then I remember that someone else might be struggling with the same thing and it might help them.  To hear that I am giving someone else a little bit of inspiration I was so honored and humbled.  I thank that person for reaching out to me.  Remember guys - you're all the reason that somebody else is inspired.  

Why I Didn't Fail Today

Geez my posts sure are sporadic and I apologize to what I am sure are the 3 people who read my blog.  But really this isn't about how many views I have or how many followers...I just like a spot where I can share what is going on in my head and clear it out to make space for my life.

Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......

I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more.   Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive.  It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am.  One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before.  One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep.  I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment.  Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do. 


And I did.   Until today.  Till I couldn't.

Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me.  I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away. 

My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag.  On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car.  The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud.    Cause I think there was a little of all three in there.  Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people.  Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded.  But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0.  The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class.  The fact that I am not giving up.  I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class.    I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do. 

To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried.  I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have.  For a long time I lived with a fear of failure.  EVERYTHING had to be perfect.  It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while.   My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.

And you know what?  Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and I get to do it all over again :)

Going Gluten Free

I did it, I jumped on the gluten free bandwagon.  I didn't do it to be cool, I didn't do it as a weight loss quick fix (because it is neither easy nor quick). I did it because I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired every.damn.day.

Over the past 10ish years, I have developed some not so fun issues.  Diarrhea, sulphur gas, vomiting, constipation, bloating & cramping - just to name a few.....Extra hair grown where there shouldn't be, thinning of my hair, weight gain, brain fog, joint pain, anxiety, bone weary exhaustion, depression, mood swings & no more menstrual cycle.

Doctors have made me feel like I am crazy when I go in with these issues and they find "nothing" on their blood work.  Funny, I know that something is wrong.  For a long time I refused to go to the doctor at all about any problem because all I seem to hear from them is 'lose weight, you'll feel better'.  Well I am sure I will, but when you have a hard time losing and pain that keeps you from working out, well that's the last thing that you want to hear.


I am finding that I no longer feel bloated, no more gas, haven't had diarrhea.  But the craziest thing I have felt change since I started eating this way - I no longer have the urge to binge eat or overeat.  My binge eating has always driven me a little crazy because I could never put a "feeling" as to why I was doing it.  It just wasn't emotional to me. If anything I felt detached.  I would get a jaw clenching, need to have this item feeling that I would eat and eat until I felt so full I felt sick.  I wasn't doing it because I felt sad, angry or lonely.  I could never pinpoint it why.  I now stop when I feel myself getting full.  Now, it just seems to have disappeared.  I never would have ever linked those two things together, and who knows I might be crazy and it might all be in my head.   

It is for sure a hard thing to do but man, the benefits are unreal for me! Weekly meal planning and grocery shopping take a little longer and labels now get read.  I stay away from pre-packaged items and make more stuff from scratch.  I find myself choosing more whole foods, fruits & vegetables.  Eating out is definitely where I feel most uncomfortable about gluten free. There are not many options in the small town that I live in especially when two of the restaurants that carried gluten free menu items were affected by the flood.    We went to a restaurant on Friday night, I was craving poutine - well gravy has flour in it.  So I ordered Poutine - hold the gravy lol. It's all a learning curve and one day it will be easier.