Trust Issues

Hey Everyone! It's Monday morning again.  I am 4 days post Simply For Life.  What have  I learned in that time - It's hard to start trusting myself with food.  Damnit I knew it wasn't going to come easy.  That it wouldn't just be a switch that I flipped and ta-da Alicia can make all the yummy food and eat it in perfect portions then put it away. 

It's going to take time, effort and self awareness.   I need to focus on my eating - not reading an article & eating or watching another addictive episode of something or other on Netflix & eating.  This is so foreign to me to eat without saying I'm on a diet or I can't have that it's not on my plan.   Then the flip side of that coin is not shoveling in the food so fast that I don't taste it.  To not sit with my face inches from my face, claw like grip on the plate, wild eyes inhaling the food that I took the time to prepare with love.  I have eaten like this so that it was done and over quickly - I always felt judged about the food choices I was making.  If I ate outside of the diet plan - was I being judged as a lazy fat slob who obviously doesn't care how fat she gets? If I ate on plan - were the whispers I feared be that I must be faking this healthy eating life because look at her she is still fat?  Those were the worries I had every single meal I ate.  Every single time I took a bite of something in public. 

Unfortunately these aren't fears that will go away overnight. I must learn patience  - even though that is not my strongest virtue.  I will need to remind myself that I am perfect as I am, that I deserve to eat food that makes me feel good.  I need to take this journey one day at a time.  Today's goal is to eat 1 meal mindfully.  I will sit at a table, one bite at a time.  I will pause between bites and sip water.  Slow things down and just enjoy the foods that I have chosen to fill myself with today.

Have a great Monday everyone! 

 

When Quitting Isn't Giving Up

This week has been filled with some big learning and aha moments.  For the last 7 months I have been on a journey to learn how to eat, how to move my body & how to make better choices.    I have done this with the help of the fantastic ladies at my local Simply For Life.  During my time with them I have lost 20lbs making my total weight loss 40lbs.  I have learned so much from my consultant. 

Lately I've been learning more about trusting my body, learning to love her & taking care of it better.   Because of everything that I have learned through both Simply For Life and my own zest for research, books & anything data based, I have decided that it is time to close the book on the weekly weigh ins at Simply For Life.   It's time to pull up those big girl panties and practice what I have learned.

So for the first time in a long time, while I am leaving this journey at Simply For Life I don't feel as though I am giving up or that I have failed.  I feel like this leg of my journey has come to an end for now.  I know that if I need to I can return at anytime and they would welcome me with open arms.

It was a hard decision to come to, I feel like I am breaking up with my consultant.  Deep down though, I know that she will be proud of my decision and support me 100% and that if I ever need her she will be there for me.

My hopes and dreams for this fresh phase that I am embarking on are that I learn to eat in the middle, that food is not  good or bad but use it to fuel and satisfy my body.  That I trust myself to dust off my apron and cook my little heart out - that was something I gave up as I gained weight because I no longer felt I could trust myself.   (If you are looking or a new cookbook I HIGHLY suggest Andie Mitchell's - Cooking in the Middle.   I bought the kindle version but now I am dying for the hardcover hold in my hands version.)  That I move my body in ways that she appreciates and enjoys.  Most of all that I am happy, that I can enjoy life and not focus on the number on the scale so much.  Cheers to new beginnings.

Wasting Time & How I'm Stopping The Cycle

I remember being in middle school knowing I was the fat friend.   The ugly duckling.  I thought this at 110lbs & was a size 4 to 6 through these years.  In reality I wasn't fat - I had a strong body from being active in sports.  Looking back at photos I now realize how beautiful I was.

Enter the high school years, I still felt the same way (if I am being honest with you I still feel this way most of the time) - even more so as I stopped being as active and started to become more interested in boys.  By the time 12th grade came I had gained 20lbs and that started my first "diet".  I "needed" to lose weight for prom.  I walked every day but I never changed my eating habits.  Junk food and late night snacking kept the weight steady.

Since then I have been on one type of diet or another and if I wasn't - hellllllo binge eating.  Or both at the same time. Some may think that is impossible but it's not.  I would spend days being so strict and on track and not listening to what my body was saying.  Hell I forgot that she even had a voice.  I've spent over 1/2 my life hating how I look. With each passing year the weight that I would lose while on a diet would come back on the moment that I stopped.  Every single pound and a lot of times even more would creep on.

The last 17 years of my life have been spent filled with self loathing, anxiety, tears, frustration and restriction.  Moments have passed me by that I wish that I had of grasped in my hand and held tight to.   I have stayed in the shadows instead of dancing in the sunlight and trying something new.  The fear of judgement chokes me even now.  I have lived my life waiting - waiting to be thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough - just enough.

Lately I have been hearing whispers,  whispers that have grown into loud, strong & proud voices that tell us that we don't need to feel this way. That we can love our bodies as is.  We don't need to starve ourselves, we can feed our bodies and our souls with the nourishment that they desire and deserve.  We need to live life not let it pass us by.  That life will look different for everyone.  For me it looks like being happy, contentment and surrounding myself with my husband and children.  It sounds like laughter, joy & happiness.  It will take hard work, this isn't going to be easy changing a lifetimes worth of negativity & anxiety.  I've come this far and I am ready to let go of the past and fall in love with the future.   If you want to do the same but don't have a sweet clue how to get started ~ here are some great links to get you started on your journey.  These women have all touched a part of me and have started turning on the lights to chase away the darkness.

Kelsey Miller & The Anti-Diet Project
Erin Brown
Geneen Roth
Andie Mitchell

Have you ever.....

Have you ever had one of those conversations where it started about something completely different and then all your stress turns to tears and you break down about a completely different subject?  Oh, it's just me?  That is how most mom's feel.  You feel alone in the struggle - that there is no way anyone else could be going through the same thing.  Why does no one ever tell you how much you will beat yourself about EVERYTHING when you become a mom.  When you leave the hospital these should pass you a guide that tells you how many lashings you should give yourself over what YOU think are your infractions.

When I went to the weigh in today, even before I stepped on the scale I was berating myself again for what I was sure would be another zero loss week or even a gain.   My consultant asked me how my week was going, on the tip of my tongue was  my standard answer - "fine".  Cause let's face it - I tend to keep my insecurities and failures hidden so that I don't feel like I am being judged.  Then I started talking about taking my puppy to training classes and explaining how that was my workout for the day - trust me, with Charlotte it is a full body workout lol.   I felt the tears well up in my eyes unexpectedly and my words started coming faster than I could think.  I told her I felt like a failure on all levels, as a wife, mom, housekeeper & a friend. I was able to give example after example of why I was failing.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Deep down I know that my house is not going to be clean all the time - I live with a husband, two children and a dog & cat who both think they are humans.  I am not Martha Stewart - sometimes a beautiful meal will be served and sometimes it will be a serve yourself kinda deal.   What I do know is that when my little boy gets off the bus he runs straight into my arms - I take an inhale and smell all that is good, happy and know that I am loved by him.  I know that my daughter - god help me through the teen years - is still my little girl.   My husband - lets talk about my husband for a moment.  He is my best friend, love of my life and I couldn't imagine a world that I am in without him there by my side.  No it isn't all roses all of the time - but we make it work.  

Today I am calling a truce with myself.  I will be kind and treat myself with love.  I will take the time to do what I need to be healthy, happy and whole.  I am responsible for me.   I invite you to do the same.  Tell me what is the one thing you do for yourself that makes you a better mother, wife, friend - hell just a better woman. 

How I Kept From Eating Away My Loneliness

I HATE spending the night alone.  Deep down despise it.  I'm ok if the hubby is working nights but when he is away for a guys nights I enter panic mode.  Usually those nights end up with me binge eating on everything in sight and ending up with a very sick, bloated belly.   Tonight I am trying to break that habit.    Instead of turning to piles of food, I am spending my evening being a boring obsessive compulsive planner instead.  (Insert eye roll)  

It may not be the most exciting thing that I have done, but it is keeping me from devouring the entire contents of my refrigerator.

 

I have found some great templates on pinterest to plan with.  Everything from workout planning to meal planning to household planning.  It is fantastic.  I think I might have given my poor printer a heart attack with all the sheets I've printed off this evening. 

So far I have worked out my exercise goals for the week:

Sunday - TRX
Monday - workout at home
Tuesday - Yoga
Wednesday - That Step class is going to finally be my bitch!
Thursday - Yoga
Friday - Core Strength Class
Saturday - Either a workout at home or one of the morning classes at the gym.

Well that is a very full and very scary set of exercise goals for next.   If I make it to all of those classes I am going to reward myself with a new book and a hot bubble bath and some me time :)

I have super pick people in my house.  If one likes it, the next doesn't - now me I love just about anything! 

I find making meals that everyone likes in my housevery hard.    We tend to make the same meals over and over.  I tend to get board of that. I LOVE making new recipes.  Whether they turn out or taste horrible I love trying new things :) 

Here is what I have for this weeks meal plan

Tuesday - we are escaping to the camp :) so, fiddleheads, roasted potatoes & steak sound yummy
Wednesday - going out for dinner for New Years Eve
Thursday - Rosemary glazed pork & roasted vegetables with basmati rice
Friday - Roast chicken,  sweet potatoes & squash
Saturday - Pizza
Sunday - Homemade Chicken noodle soup & beer bread

Next week the hubby is on nights so it is just the kids and I kicking around for supper.  This is when I tend to get lazy and not eat anything myself (which leads to a binge at some point) and just make super quick stuff for the kids.  I plan on making ahead a few meals on Sunday so I don't have to do much during the week :) Just re-heat & go!

What's Stopping Me?

The part that I struggle with constantly is getting (and keeping) it all together.    I get the fitness on track - eating falls off track.   Eating on track - fitness falls off.   I get so focused on one that I just let the other slide.  

I KNOW what I should be eating

I KNOW what I should be doing for exercise

I KNOW....So why can't I get it together?

Here are the problems that I struggle with for my eating:

1.  There are so many different eating plans out there.  Hi carb, low carb, no carb, IIFYM, atkins, paleo, clean eating.    It's so confusing on what to chose.  And let's face it - I like food.period.  Which leads me to......

2. I'm a meal skipper/binge eater....There are days that the only thing that I think about is food.  About the next meal, snack or bite. There are days that I wish that I had a private chef that would make perfectly proportioned, perfectly yummy foods.  I used to love to bake but I don't any longer.  Why, you ask?  Well, I live in fear that I wont be able to control myself and I that I will consume all the food (dishes and all)

3. Then there is my biggest struggle - feeding my family.  A picky bunch they are.  While my husband supports me 110% that does not mean that he is ready to eat rabbit food as he calls it. 

Right now I am just trying my best to not skip meals. I try to stay away from processed food.  To stay away from pop. I don't believe in good food vs bad food.  If there is something that I want to indulge in then I make sure the juice is worth squeeze.  

But really above all - I am just focusing on being happy.

An Inspiration? Who Me?

Last night I received a facebook message from a friend and in it she said that seeing my posts on fitness had inspired her to start getting active again.  I immediately thought - "Who? Me?"  How could I give someone else inspiration when there are days still that I am not even my own inspiration.


A year ago I never thought that I could be anyone's inspiration.  You see at the beginning of this year I started on this journey of mine that was no longer about losing the weight.  It wasn't about being the skinniest bitch on the block.  What it was about was stopping the hateful things that I was saying to myself - believe me even the biggest bully had NOTHING on what I could say to tear myself down.   By no way am I near the end of this journey but I have come a long way.  I don't hate myself anymore.  Now I see a strong, beautiful woman who has fantastic form at TRX ;) I am proud of what I accomplish, the fact that I don't give up as easily.  That I am getting out there an trying new things - old me would have been too paralyzed by anxiety of "not doing it right" to even walk into a gym class full of strangers, let alone going there and rocking it. 

All of these changes make me feel fantastic inside and out.  I know that the inches are coming off (slowly), I don't keep a close track on them cause I am no longer a slave to the scale (meaning I no longer weigh myself at least 10 times a DAY - that's right, day - not month, not week - a DAY) I don't beat myself up on days that I mess up by not working out or eating properly.  If something sinfully delicious is wanted - I indulge, enjoy every moment and move on.   I have more joy, relaxation, patience and happiness in my life.  I have less tears, anxiety and days that I want to bury my head in the blankets and not want to get out of bed.

I now go to class with no fear and worry.  I am not constantly thinking - can my body even do these classes? Instead I go and I simply do.my.best.  If I need to modify the move, OK - If I need to modify the modifier - OK.  Really that is all we can do.   Just try.  Don't give up and everyday we get stronger, better and more fulfilled.    

Some may not like that my facebook is filled with "brags" about my workouts, or what I am eating or how great I feel now. But if I can just let one person know that it's ok and that they can do it too and not to give up then I'm #sorrynotsorry

I used to worry constantly about how others perceived me, worried that they would look down on me because of the stuff that I share on here then I remember that someone else might be struggling with the same thing and it might help them.  To hear that I am giving someone else a little bit of inspiration I was so honored and humbled.  I thank that person for reaching out to me.  Remember guys - you're all the reason that somebody else is inspired.