Have you ever.....

Have you ever had one of those conversations where it started about something completely different and then all your stress turns to tears and you break down about a completely different subject?  Oh, it's just me?  That is how most mom's feel.  You feel alone in the struggle - that there is no way anyone else could be going through the same thing.  Why does no one ever tell you how much you will beat yourself about EVERYTHING when you become a mom.  When you leave the hospital these should pass you a guide that tells you how many lashings you should give yourself over what YOU think are your infractions.

When I went to the weigh in today, even before I stepped on the scale I was berating myself again for what I was sure would be another zero loss week or even a gain.   My consultant asked me how my week was going, on the tip of my tongue was  my standard answer - "fine".  Cause let's face it - I tend to keep my insecurities and failures hidden so that I don't feel like I am being judged.  Then I started talking about taking my puppy to training classes and explaining how that was my workout for the day - trust me, with Charlotte it is a full body workout lol.   I felt the tears well up in my eyes unexpectedly and my words started coming faster than I could think.  I told her I felt like a failure on all levels, as a wife, mom, housekeeper & a friend. I was able to give example after example of why I was failing.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Deep down I know that my house is not going to be clean all the time - I live with a husband, two children and a dog & cat who both think they are humans.  I am not Martha Stewart - sometimes a beautiful meal will be served and sometimes it will be a serve yourself kinda deal.   What I do know is that when my little boy gets off the bus he runs straight into my arms - I take an inhale and smell all that is good, happy and know that I am loved by him.  I know that my daughter - god help me through the teen years - is still my little girl.   My husband - lets talk about my husband for a moment.  He is my best friend, love of my life and I couldn't imagine a world that I am in without him there by my side.  No it isn't all roses all of the time - but we make it work.  

Today I am calling a truce with myself.  I will be kind and treat myself with love.  I will take the time to do what I need to be healthy, happy and whole.  I am responsible for me.   I invite you to do the same.  Tell me what is the one thing you do for yourself that makes you a better mother, wife, friend - hell just a better woman. 

How I Kept From Eating Away My Loneliness

I HATE spending the night alone.  Deep down despise it.  I'm ok if the hubby is working nights but when he is away for a guys nights I enter panic mode.  Usually those nights end up with me binge eating on everything in sight and ending up with a very sick, bloated belly.   Tonight I am trying to break that habit.    Instead of turning to piles of food, I am spending my evening being a boring obsessive compulsive planner instead.  (Insert eye roll)  

It may not be the most exciting thing that I have done, but it is keeping me from devouring the entire contents of my refrigerator.

 

I have found some great templates on pinterest to plan with.  Everything from workout planning to meal planning to household planning.  It is fantastic.  I think I might have given my poor printer a heart attack with all the sheets I've printed off this evening. 

So far I have worked out my exercise goals for the week:

Sunday - TRX
Monday - workout at home
Tuesday - Yoga
Wednesday - That Step class is going to finally be my bitch!
Thursday - Yoga
Friday - Core Strength Class
Saturday - Either a workout at home or one of the morning classes at the gym.

Well that is a very full and very scary set of exercise goals for next.   If I make it to all of those classes I am going to reward myself with a new book and a hot bubble bath and some me time :)

I have super pick people in my house.  If one likes it, the next doesn't - now me I love just about anything! 

I find making meals that everyone likes in my housevery hard.    We tend to make the same meals over and over.  I tend to get board of that. I LOVE making new recipes.  Whether they turn out or taste horrible I love trying new things :) 

Here is what I have for this weeks meal plan

Tuesday - we are escaping to the camp :) so, fiddleheads, roasted potatoes & steak sound yummy
Wednesday - going out for dinner for New Years Eve
Thursday - Rosemary glazed pork & roasted vegetables with basmati rice
Friday - Roast chicken,  sweet potatoes & squash
Saturday - Pizza
Sunday - Homemade Chicken noodle soup & beer bread

Next week the hubby is on nights so it is just the kids and I kicking around for supper.  This is when I tend to get lazy and not eat anything myself (which leads to a binge at some point) and just make super quick stuff for the kids.  I plan on making ahead a few meals on Sunday so I don't have to do much during the week :) Just re-heat & go!

What's Stopping Me?

The part that I struggle with constantly is getting (and keeping) it all together.    I get the fitness on track - eating falls off track.   Eating on track - fitness falls off.   I get so focused on one that I just let the other slide.  

I KNOW what I should be eating

I KNOW what I should be doing for exercise

I KNOW....So why can't I get it together?

Here are the problems that I struggle with for my eating:

1.  There are so many different eating plans out there.  Hi carb, low carb, no carb, IIFYM, atkins, paleo, clean eating.    It's so confusing on what to chose.  And let's face it - I like food.period.  Which leads me to......

2. I'm a meal skipper/binge eater....There are days that the only thing that I think about is food.  About the next meal, snack or bite. There are days that I wish that I had a private chef that would make perfectly proportioned, perfectly yummy foods.  I used to love to bake but I don't any longer.  Why, you ask?  Well, I live in fear that I wont be able to control myself and I that I will consume all the food (dishes and all)

3. Then there is my biggest struggle - feeding my family.  A picky bunch they are.  While my husband supports me 110% that does not mean that he is ready to eat rabbit food as he calls it. 

Right now I am just trying my best to not skip meals. I try to stay away from processed food.  To stay away from pop. I don't believe in good food vs bad food.  If there is something that I want to indulge in then I make sure the juice is worth squeeze.  

But really above all - I am just focusing on being happy.

An Inspiration? Who Me?

Last night I received a facebook message from a friend and in it she said that seeing my posts on fitness had inspired her to start getting active again.  I immediately thought - "Who? Me?"  How could I give someone else inspiration when there are days still that I am not even my own inspiration.


A year ago I never thought that I could be anyone's inspiration.  You see at the beginning of this year I started on this journey of mine that was no longer about losing the weight.  It wasn't about being the skinniest bitch on the block.  What it was about was stopping the hateful things that I was saying to myself - believe me even the biggest bully had NOTHING on what I could say to tear myself down.   By no way am I near the end of this journey but I have come a long way.  I don't hate myself anymore.  Now I see a strong, beautiful woman who has fantastic form at TRX ;) I am proud of what I accomplish, the fact that I don't give up as easily.  That I am getting out there an trying new things - old me would have been too paralyzed by anxiety of "not doing it right" to even walk into a gym class full of strangers, let alone going there and rocking it. 

All of these changes make me feel fantastic inside and out.  I know that the inches are coming off (slowly), I don't keep a close track on them cause I am no longer a slave to the scale (meaning I no longer weigh myself at least 10 times a DAY - that's right, day - not month, not week - a DAY) I don't beat myself up on days that I mess up by not working out or eating properly.  If something sinfully delicious is wanted - I indulge, enjoy every moment and move on.   I have more joy, relaxation, patience and happiness in my life.  I have less tears, anxiety and days that I want to bury my head in the blankets and not want to get out of bed.

I now go to class with no fear and worry.  I am not constantly thinking - can my body even do these classes? Instead I go and I simply do.my.best.  If I need to modify the move, OK - If I need to modify the modifier - OK.  Really that is all we can do.   Just try.  Don't give up and everyday we get stronger, better and more fulfilled.    

Some may not like that my facebook is filled with "brags" about my workouts, or what I am eating or how great I feel now. But if I can just let one person know that it's ok and that they can do it too and not to give up then I'm #sorrynotsorry

I used to worry constantly about how others perceived me, worried that they would look down on me because of the stuff that I share on here then I remember that someone else might be struggling with the same thing and it might help them.  To hear that I am giving someone else a little bit of inspiration I was so honored and humbled.  I thank that person for reaching out to me.  Remember guys - you're all the reason that somebody else is inspired.  

Why I Didn't Fail Today

Geez my posts sure are sporadic and I apologize to what I am sure are the 3 people who read my blog.  But really this isn't about how many views I have or how many followers...I just like a spot where I can share what is going on in my head and clear it out to make space for my life.

Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......

I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more.   Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive.  It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am.  One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before.  One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep.  I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment.  Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do. 


And I did.   Until today.  Till I couldn't.

Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me.  I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away. 

My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag.  On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car.  The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud.    Cause I think there was a little of all three in there.  Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people.  Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded.  But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0.  The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class.  The fact that I am not giving up.  I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class.    I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do. 

To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried.  I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have.  For a long time I lived with a fear of failure.  EVERYTHING had to be perfect.  It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while.   My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.

And you know what?  Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and I get to do it all over again :)

Passion for Fashion

When I was a little girl I spent ENDLESS hours playing with paper dolls.  I loved them more than I loved barbies.   I still remember the day that I just HAD to have this kit that would let me create my own dolls and designs of clothing. My dad braved a winter storm to go get it - and a DQ Blizzard.   I was in heaven! I swore one day that I would be a fashion designer.  Fast forward 20ish years - I am no fashion designer but I do love dabbling at being a stylist.  Last year I found www.polyvore.com - it is one of my absolute favorite sites for creating fashion looks.  I thought I would share some of my favorite summer looks with you - give you a peek at my virtual closet (Oh how I wish it was my real closet)

I LOVE the bright blue and sailor feel in this outfit with a pop of bright yellow and red.  

A nice cool look for work.  I love high low hem of the top. 

A total date night look! I have been such a girly girl these last few years that I am now battling a dress obsession.  

I for one CAN'T stand being hot while working out but I love the sweat glow afterwards. I know, I am a little crazy ;) So all year round I tend to be found pumping - zee - iron in light tees, tanks & shorts - capris in the winter. 

What's your favorite summer look?

Pretty Pretty Bling Bling

I LOVE jewelry and am completely enjoying making it (though I wish I had more time to sit and experiment)

The best thing about metal stamped jewelry - it's never perfect.  That's what makes it so unique!

Here are a few of the pieces that I have made lately!

If you are lookin' to purchase a little somethin' something - head on over to my Etsy shop :) Vintage Glamour Canada  or email me at mcknight.alicia@gmail.com if you want something custom made!