Let me tell you what I have been up to lately......
I crawled out of my comfort zone, legs shaking - heart racing and climbed up the stairs to a local gym - though I hate to call it a gym cause it is really so much more. Even from before the moment that I crossed the threshold, the owners and instructors were so supportive. It's like an extended family. One that cares about how I made out in class when the owner messages me to see how I am. One that I curse in my mind when the spin instructor says just 20 more seconds and my body wanted to give up 15 minutes before. One that I sweat for when I think that my body is going to give up and I give it just one more rep. I love it because it isn't a gym where you just go to "pump zee iron" (insert bad Schwarzenegger impression here) It's all classed based, fun, up-beat environment. Where EVERY class they be sure to make us all know - modify as needed and just do what you can do.
And I did. Until today. Till I couldn't.
Today I actually had to leave the class after only being there for 15 minutes because it was causing severe physical discomfort and I knew that pushing through it would be very very bad for me. I walked away from the devil's contraption (also known as a step) and walked up to the instructor and said "I can't" and walked away.
My body carried me to my flip flops and gym bag. On auto pilot I walked down the stairs and out to my car. The moment that my sweaty, tired and sore body sat in the seat - tears welled up in my eyes. I can't tell you, even now, if those tears were because I was mad, embarrassed or even proud. Cause I think there was a little of all three in there. Embarrassed cause I gave up and walked out of that class in front of all those other people. Mad because my body couldn't do what I demanded. But mostly I am DAMN proud of what it can do. The fact that I made it 15 minutes and not 0. The fact that I got out of my car when I wanted to stay in it cause I realized it was a step class. The fact that I am not giving up. I might have walked out, but one day I will return and conquer that class. I wont do it quickly, it will be at my own pace but it will be flippin' amazing when I do.
To me just because I left doesn't mean I failed. It means I tried. I know that I won't "ace" all of these classes but I know that while I am there I give it everything I have. For a long time I lived with a fear of failure. EVERYTHING had to be perfect. It has taken me oh so long to realize that life isn't perfect, it's messy, hard, beautiful & oh so worth while. My goals, hopes & dreams will come true because I am working for them not sitting here worrying about imperfection.
